[BBC List] do you think you have arrived spiritually? i dare you to read this...

[Mike Abendroth]

While this might take a while to read, it will be worth every effort
expended.  One for the weekend!

 

Diary of David Brainerd

Lord's day, Oct. 19. "In the morning I felt my soul hungering and thirsting
after righteousness. While I was looking on the elements of the Lord's
Supper, and thinking that Jesus Christ was not "set forth crucified before
me", my soul was filled with light and love, so that I was almost in an
ecstacy; my body was so weak I could scarcely stand. 

I felt at the same time an exceeding tenderness and most fervent love toward
all mankind; so that my soul and all its powers seemed, as it were, to melt
into softness and sweetness. But during the communion there was some
abatement of this life and fervor. This love and joy cast out fear; and my
soul longed for perfect grace and glory. This frame continued til the
evening, when my soul was sweetly spiritual in secret duties. 

Oct. 20. "I again found the assistance of the Holy Spirit in secret duties,
both morning and evening, and life and comfort in religion through the whole
day. 

Oct. 21. "I had likewise experience of the goodness of God in shedding
abroad his love in my heart, and giving me delight and consolation in
religious duties; and all the remaining part of the week my soul seemed to
be taken up with divine things. I now so longed after God, and to be freed
from sin, that, when I felt myself recovering, and thought I must return to
college again, which had proved so hurtful to my spiritual interests the
year past, I could not but be grieved, and thought I had much rather die;
for it distressed me to think of getting away from God. But before I went I
enjoyed several other sweet and precious seasons of communion with God,
(particularly Oct.30, and Nov. 4,) wherein my soul enjoyed unspeakable
comfort. 

"I returned to college about Nov. 6, and, through the goodness of God, felt
the power of religion almost daily, for the space of six weeks. 

Nov. 28. "In my evening devotion I enjoyed precious discoveries of God, and
was unspeakably refreshed with that passage, Heb. 12:22-24. My soul longed
to be conformed to God in all things. - A day or two after I enjoyed much of
the light of God's countenance, most of the day; and my soul rested in God. 

Dec. 9. "I was in a comfortable frame of soul most of the day; but
especially in evening devotions, when God was pleased wonderfully to assist
and strengthen me; so that I thought nothing should ever move me from the
love of God in Christ Jesus my Lord. Oh! one hour with God infinitely
exceeds all the pleasures and delights of this lower world. "Toward the
latter part of January, 1741, I grew more cold and dull in religion, by
means of my old temptation, ambition in my studies. But though divine
goodness, a great and general awakening spread itself over the college,
about the end of February, in which I was much quickened, and more
abundantly engaged in religion." 

This awakening was at the beginning of that extraordinary religious
commotion which then prevailed through the land, and in which the college
shared largely. For thirteen months from this time Brainerd kept a constant
diary containing a very particular account of what passed from day to day,
making two volumes of manuscripts; but when he lay on his death bed he gave
orders (unknown to me til after his death) that these two volumes should be
destroyed, inserting a notice, at the beginning of the succeeding
manuscripts, that a specimen of his manner of living during that entire
period would be found in the first thirty pages next following, (ending with
June 15, 1742,) except that he was now more "reformed from some imprudences
and indecent heats" than before. A circumstance in the life of Brainerd,
which gave great offence to the rulers of the College, and occasioned his
expulsion, it is necessary should be here particularly related. During the
awakening in College, there were several religious students who associated
together for mutual conversation and assistance in spiritual things. These
were wont freely to open themselves one to another, as special and intimate
friends: Brainerd was one of this company. And it once happened, the he and
two or three more of these intimate friends were in the hall together, after
Mr. Whittlesey, one of the tutors, had engaged in prayer with the scholars;
no other person now remaining in the hall but Brainerd and his companions.
Mr. Whittlesey having been unusually pathetic in his prayer, one of
Brainerd's friends on this occasion asked him what he thought of Mr.
Whittlesey; he made answer, "He has no more grace than this chair." One of
the freshmen happening at that time to be near the hall, (though not in the
room,) over-heard these words; and though he heard no name mentioned, and
knew not who was thus censured, informed a certain woman in town, withal
telling her his own suspicion, that Brainerd said this of some one of the
rulers of the College. Whereupon she informed the Rector, who sent for this
freshman and examined him. He told the Rector the words which he heard
Brainerd utter; and informed him who were in the room with him at that time.
Upon this the Rector sent for them. They were very backward to inform
against their friend respecting what they looked upon as a private
conversation; especially as none but they had heard or knew of whom he had
uttered those words: yet the Rector compelled them to declare what he said,
and of whom he said it. Brainerd looked on himself as very HI used in the
management of this affair; and thought that it was injuriously extorted from
his friends, and then injuriously required of him - as if he had been guilty
of some open, notorious crime - to make a public confession, and to humble
himself before the whole College in the hall, for what he had said only in
private conversation. He not complying with this demand, and having gone
once to the Separate meeting at New-Haven, when forbidden by the Rector; and
also having been accused by one person of saying concerning the Rector,
"that he wondered he did not expect to drop down dead for firing the
scholars who followed Mr. Tennent to Milford, though there was no proof of
it; (and Brainerd ever professed that he did not remember saying any thing
to that purpose,) for these things he was expelled from the college. 

How far the circumstances and exigencies of that day might justify such
great severity in the governors of the college, I will not undertake to
determine; it being my aim, not to bring reproach on the authority of the
college, but only to do justice to the memory of a person who was, I think,
eminently one of those whose memory is blessed. - The reader will see, in
the sequel, (particularly under date of September 14,15, 1743,) in how
Christian a manner Brainerd conducted himself with respect to this affair;
though he ever, as long as he lived, supposed himself ill used in the
management of it, and in what he suffered. - His expulsion was in the
winter, 1742, while in his third year at college. 

   _____  

CHAPTER 2. 

>From about the time when he began the study of Theology, tip he was licensed
to preach. 

April 1, 1742 - July 29, 1742. 

In the spring of 1742 Brainerd went to live with the Rev. Mr. Mills of
Ripton, to pursue his studies with him for the work of the ministry. Here he
spent the greater part of the time until he was licensed to preach; but
frequently rode to visit the neighboring ministers, particularly Mr. Cooke
of Stratford, Mr. Graham of Southbury, and Mr. Bellamy of Bethlehem. The
following are extracts from his diary at this period. 

April 1, 1742. - "I seem to be declining, with respect to my life and warmth
in divine things; have not had so free access to God in prayer to-day as
usual of late. Oh that God would humble me deeply in the dust before him! I
deserve hell every day, for not loving my Lord more, who has, I trust,
"loved me and given himself for me;" and every time I am enabled to exercise
any grace renewedly, I am renewedly indebted to the God of all grace for
special assistance. "Where then is boasting?" Surely "it is excluded," when
we think how we are dependent on God for the existence and every act of
grace. Oh! if ever I get to heaven, it will be because God pleases, and
nothing else; for I never did any thing of myself but get away from God! My
soul will be astonished at the unsearchable riches of divine grace when I
arrive at the mansions which the blessed Savior is gone before to prepare. 

April 2. - "In the afternoon I felt, in secret prayer, much resigned, calm
and serene. What are all the storms of this lower world if Jesus, by his
Spirit, does but come walking on the seas! - Sometime past I had much
pleasure in the prospect of the heathen being brought home to Christ, and
desired that the Lord would employ me in that work; but now my soul more
frequently desires to die, to be with Christ. On that my soul were wrapped
up in a divine love. and my longing desires after God increased! In the
evening was refreshed in prayer, with the hopes of the advancement of
Christ's kingdom in the world. 

Lord's day, April 4. - "My heart was wandering and lifeless. In the evening
God gave me faith in prayer, made my soul melt in some measure, and gave me
to taste a divine sweetness. Oh! my blessed God! Let me climb up near to
him, and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle, and stretch after him, and
for deliverance from the body of sin and death. Alas! my soul mourned to
think I should ever lose sight of its beloved again. "O come, Lord Jesus,
Amen. " 

April 6. - "I walked out this morning; had an affecting sense of my own
vileness; and cried to God to cleanse me, to give me repentance and pardon.
I then began to find it sweet to pray; and could think of undergoing the
greatest sufferings in the cause of Christ, with pleasure; and found myself
willing, if God should so order it, to suffer banishment from my native
land, among the heathen, that I might do something for their salvation, in
distress and deaths of any kind. Then God gave me to wrestle earnestly for
others, for the kingdom of Christ in the world, and for dear Christian
friends. 

April 8. - "Had raised hopes to-day respecting the heathen. Of that God
would bring in great numbers of them to Jesus Christ! I cannot but hope that
I shall see that glorious day Everything in this world seems exceeding vile
and little to me: I appear so to myself. I had some little dawn of comfort
to-day in prayer; but especially to-night, I think I had some faith and
power of intercession with God. I was enabled to plead with God for the
growth of grace in myself; and many of the dear children of God then lay
with weight upon my soul. Blessed be the Lord! It is good to wrestle for
divine blessings. 

April 9. - "Most of my time in morning devotion was spent without sensible
sweetness; yet I had one delightful prospect of arriving at the heavenly
world. I am more amazed than ever at such thoughts; for I see myself
infinitely vile and unworthy. No poor creature stands in need of divine
grace more than 1, and none abuse it more than I have done, and still do. 

Lord's day, April 11. - "In the morning I felt but little life; yet my heart
was somewhat drawn out in thankfulness to God for his amazing grace and
condescension to me, in past influences and assistance of his Spirit.
Afterward, I had some sweetness in the thoughts of arriving at the heavenly
world. Oh! for the happy day! After public worship, God gave me special
assistance in prayer; I wrestled with my dear Lord, and intercession was
made a delightful employment to me. In the evening, as I was viewing the
light in the north, I was delighted in the contemplation of the glorious
morning of the resurrection. 

April 12. - "This morning the Lord was pleased to lift up the light of his
countenance upon me in secret prayer, and made the season very precious to
my soul. Though I have been so depressed of late, respecting my hopes of
future serviceableness in the cause of God; yet now I had much
encouragement. I was especially assisted to intercede and plead for poor
souls, and for the enlargement of Christ's kingdom in the world, and for
special grace for myself, to fit me for special services. My faith lifted me
above the world, and removed all those mountains over which of late I could
not look. I wanted not the favor of man to lean upon; for I knew that
Christ's favor was infinitely better, and that it was no matter when nor
where, nor how Christ should send me, nor what trials he should still
exercise me with, if I might be prepared for his work and will. 

April 14. - "My soul longed for communion with Christ, and for the
mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. Oh!,
there is a sweet day coming, wherein "the weary will be at rest!" My soul
has enjoyed much sweetness this day, in the hope of its speedy arrival. 

April 15. - "My desires apparently centered in God and I found a sensible
attraction of soul after him sundry times to-day. I know that I long for
God, and a conformity to his will, in inward purity and holiness, ten
thousand times more than for any thing here below. 

Lord's day, April 18. - "I retired early this morning into the woods for
prayer; had the assistance of God's Spirit, and faith in exercise; and was
enabled to plead with fervency for the advancement of Christ's kingdom in
the world, and to intercede for dear, absent friends. At noon, God enabled
me to wrestle with him, and to feel, as I trust, the power of divine love in
prayer. At night, I saw myself infinitely indebted to God, and had a view of
my failures in duty. It seemed to me that I had done, as it were, nothing
for God, and that I had lived to him but a few hours of my life. 

April 19. - "I set apart this day for fasting and prayer to God for his
grace; especially to prepare me for the work of the ministry; to give me
divine aid and direction, in my preparations for that great work; and in his
own time to send me into his harvest. Accordingly, in the morning I
endeavored to plead for the divine presence for the day, and not without
some life. In the forenoon I felt the power of intercession for precious,
immortal souls; for the advancement of the kingdom of my dear Lord and
Saviour in the world; and withal, a most sweet resignation and even
consolation and joy, in the thoughts of suffering hardships, distresses, and
even death itself, in the promotion of it, and has special enlargement in
pleading for the enlightening and conversion of the poor heathen. In the
afternoon God was with me of a truth. Oh!, it was blessed company indeed!
God enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I was quite wet with sweat,
though in the shade and the cool wind. My soul was drawn out very much for
the world; I grasped for multitudes of souls. I think I had more enlargement
for sinners than for the children of God; though I felt as if I could spend
my life in cries for both. I had great enjoyment in communion with my dear
Savior. I think I never in my life felt such an entire weanedness from this
world, and so much resigned to God in every thing. Oh! that I may always
live to and upon my blessed God! Amen, Amen. 

April 20. - "This day I am twenty-four years of age. Oh! how much mercy have
I received the year past! How often has God "caused his goodness to pass
before me!" And how poorly have I answered the vows I made one year since,
to be wholly the Lord's, to be for ever devoted to his service! The Lord
help me to live more to his glory for the time to come. This has been a
sweet, a happy day to me; blessed be God. I think my soul was never so drawn
out in intercession for others, as it has been this night. Had a most
fervent wrestle with the Lord to-night, for my enemies; and I hardly ever so
longed to live to God, and to be altogether devoted to him; I wanted to wear
out my life in his service, and for his glory. 

April 21, "Felt much calmness and resignation; and God again enabled me to
wrestle for numbers of souls, and gave me fervently in the sweet duty of
intercession. I enjoy of late more sweetness in intercession for others,
than in any other part of prayer. My blessed Lord really let me come near to
him, and plead with him. 

Lord's day, April 25. "This morning I spent about two hours in secret
duties, and was enabled, more than ordinarily, to agonize for immortal
souls. At night I was exceedingly melted with divine love, and had some
feeling sense of the blessedness of the upper world. Those words hung upon
me with much divine sweetness. Psa. 84:7. "They go from strength to
strength, every one of them in Zion appeareth before God. " Oh! the near
access that God sometimes gives us in our addresses to him! This may well be
termed "appearing before God:" it is so indeed, in the true spiritual sense,
and in the sweetest sense. I think that I have not had such power of
intercession these many months, both for God's children, and for dead
sinners, as I have had this evening. I wished and longed for the coming of
my dear Lord: I longed to join the angelic hosts in praises, wholly free
from imperfection. Oh!, the blessed moment hastens! All I want is to be more
holy, more like my dear Lord. Oh for sanctification! My very soul pants for
the complete restoration of the blessed image of my Savior; that I may be
fit for the blessed enjoyments and employments of the heavenly world. So
much of heaven before; it was the most refined and most spiritual season of
communion with God I ever yet felt. 

April 28. - "I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, in great peace and
tranquility, spent about two hours in secret duties, and felt much as I did
yesterday morning, only weaker, and more overcome. I seemed to depend wholly
on my dear Lord; weaned from all other dependencies. I knew not what to say
to my God, but only lean on his bosom, as it were, and breathe out my
desires after a perfect conformity to him in all things. Thirsting desires
after perfect holiness, and insatiable longings possessed my soul. God was
so precious to me that the world, with all its enjoyments, was infinitely
vile. I had no more value for the favor of men, than for pebbles. The Lord
was my all, and that he over-ruled all, greatly delighted me. I think that
my faith and dependence on God scarce ever rose so high. I saw him such a
fountain of goodness that it seemed impossible I should distrust him again,
or be any way anxious about any thing that should happen to me. I now had
great satisfaction in praying for absent friends, and for the enlargement of
Christ's kingdom in the world. Much of the power of these divine enjoyments
remained with me through the day. In the evening my heart seemed to melt,
and I trust was really humbled for indwelling corruption, and I "mourned
like a dove." I felt that all my unhappiness arose from my being a sinner.
With resignation, I could bid welcome to all other trials; but sin hung
heavy upon me; for God discovered to me the corruption of my heart. I went
to bed with a heavy heart, because I was a sinner; though I did not in the
least doubt of God's love. Oh! that God would "purge away my dross, and take
away my sin," and make me ten times refined! 

May 1. - "I was enabled to cry to God with fervency for ministerial
qualifications, that he would appear for the advancement of his own kingdom,
and that he would bring in the heathen. Had much assistance in my studies.
This has been a profitable week to me; I have enjoyed many communications of
the blessed Spirit in my soul. 

May 3. - "Had a sense of vile ingratitude. In the morning I withdrew to my
usual place of retirement, and mourned for my abuse of my dear Lord; spent
the day in fasting and prayer. God gave me much power of wrestling for his
cause and kingdom; and it was a happy day to my soul. God was with me all
the day; and I was more above the world than ever in my life. 

May 13. - (At Wethersfield.) "Saw so much of the wickedness of my heart that
I longed to get away from myself I never before thought that there was so
much spiritual pride in my soul. I felt almost pressed to death with my own
vileness. Oh! what a "body of death" is there in me! Lord deliver my soul! I
could not find any convenient place for retirement, and was greatly
exercised. Rode to Hartford in the afternoon; had some refreshment and
comfort in religious exercises with Christian friends; but longed for more
retirement. Oh!, the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven that can
be enjoyed on earth! 

June 14. - "Felt somewhat of the sweetness of communion with God, and the
constraining force of his love; how admirably it captivates the soul, and
makes all the desires and affections center in God! - I set apart this day
for secret fasting and prayer, to entreat God to direct and bless me with
regard to the great work which I have in view, of preaching the gospel - and
that the Lord would return to me, and individually "show me the light of his
countenance." Had little life and power in the forenoon: near the middle of
the afternoon God enabled me to wrestle ardently in intercession for absent
friends: but just at night the Lord visited me marvelously in prayer. I
think my soul never was in such an agony before. I felt no restraint, for
the treasures of divine grace were opened to me. I wrestled for absent
friends, for the ingathering of souls, for multitudes of poor souls, and for
many that I thought were the children of God, in many distant places. I was
in such an agony, for half an hour before sunset, till near dark, that I was
all over wet with sweat: but yet is seemed to me that I had wasted away the
day, and had done nothing. Oh!, my dear Savior did sweat blood for poor
souls! I longed for more compassion toward them. Felt still in a sweet
frame, under a sense of divine love and "Farewell, vain world; my soul can
bid Adieu. "My Savior taught me to abandon you. "Your charms may gratify a
sensual mind. "But cannot please a soul for God Designed. 

"Forbear t' entice; cease then my soul to call; 

Tis fixed through grace; my God shall be my all. 

"While he thus lets me heavenly glories view, 

"Your beauties fade, my heart's no room for you." 

"The Lord refreshed my soul with many sweet passages of his word. Oh! the
New Jerusalem! my soul longed for it. Oh! the song of Moses and the Lamb!
And that blessed song, that no man can learn but they who are "redeemed from
the earth!" 

"Lord, I'm a stranger here alone; "Earth no true comforts can afford; 

"Yet, absent from my dearest one, "My soul delights to cry 'My Lord!' 

"Jesus, my Lord, my only love, "Possesses my soul, not thence depart: 

"Grant me kind visits, heavenly Dove;"My God shall then have all my heart." 

April 27. "I arose and retired early for secret devotions; and in prayer,
God was pleased to pour such ineffable comforts into my soul, that I could
do nothing for some time but say over and over, "O my sweet Saviour! whom
have I in Heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside
thee." If I had a thousand lives, my soul would gladly have laid them all
down at once, to have been with Christ. My soul never enjoyed grace; and
went to bed in such a frame, with my heart set on God. 

June 15. - "Had the most ardent longings after God. At noon, in my secret
retirement, I could do nothing but tell my dear Lord, in a sweet calm, that
he know I desired nothing but himself, nothing but holiness; that he had
given me these desires, and he only could give me the thing desired. I never
seemed to be so unhinged from myself, and to be so wholly devoted to God. My
heart was swallowed up in God most of the day. In the evening I had such a
view of the soul being, as it were, enlarged, to contain more holiness, that
it seemed ready to separate from my body. I then wrestled in agony for
divine blessings; had my heart drawn out in prayer for some Christian
friends, beyond what I ever had before. I feel differently now from what I
ever did under any enjoyments before; more engaged to live to God for ever,
and less pleased with my own frames. I am not satisfied with my frames, nor
feel at all more easy after such strugglings than before; for it seems far
too little, if I should always so. Oh! how short do I fall of my duty in my
sweetest moments! 

June 18. - "Considering my great unfitness for the work of the ministry, my
present deadness, and total inability to do any thing for the glory of God
that way, feeling myself very helpless, and at a great loss what the Lord
would have me to do; I set apart this day for prayer to God, and spent most
of the day in that duty but was amazingly deserted most of the day. yet I
found God graciously near, once in particular; while I was pleading for more
compassion for immortal souls, my heart seemed to be opened at once, and I
was enabled to cry with great ardency for a few minutes. Oh!, I was
distressed to think, that I should offer such dead cold services to the
living God! My soul seemed to breathe after holiness, a life of constant
devotedness to God. But I almost lost sometimes in the pursuit of this
blessedness, and ready to sink, because I continually fall short, and miss
of my desire. Oh! that the Lord would help me to hold out, yet a little
while, until the happy hour of deliverance comes! 

June 30. - "Spent this day alone in the woods, in fasting and prayer;
underwent the most dreadful conflicts in my soul. I saw myself so vile that
I was ready to say, "I shall now perish by the hand of Saul." I thought that
I had no power to stand for the cause of God, but was almost afraid of the
shaking of a leaf. Spent almost the whole day in prayer, incessantly. I
could not bear to think of Christians showing me any respect. I almost
despaired of doing any service in the world: I could ot feel any hope or
comfort respecting the heathen, which used to afford me some refreshment in
the darkest hours of this nature. I spent the day in bitterness of soul.
Near night I felt a little better; and afterward enjoyed some sweetness in
secret prayer. 

July 1. - "Had some enjoyment in prayer this morning; and far more than
usual in secret prayer to-night, and desired nothing so ardently as that God
should do with me just as he pleased. 

July 2. - "Felt composed in secret prayer in the morning. My desires
ascended to God this day, as I was traveling: was comfortable in the
evening. Blessed be God for all my consolations. 

July 3. - "My heart seemed again to sink. The disgrace I was laid under at
college seemed to damp my spirits; as it opens the mouths of opposers. I had
no refuge but in God. Blessed be his name, that I may go to him at all
times, and find him a 'present help.' 

Lord's day, July 4. - "Had considerable assistance. In the evening I
withdrew, and enjoyed a happy season in secret prayer. God was pleased to
give me the exercise of faith, and thereby brought the invisible and eternal
world near to my soul; which appeared sweetly to me. I hoped that my weary
pilgrimage in the world would be short; and that it would not be long before
I should be brought to my heavenly home and Father's house. I was resigned
to God's will, to tarry his time, to do his work, and suffer his pleasure. I
felt thankfulness to God for all my pressing desertions of late; for I am
persuaded that they have been made a means of making me more humble, and
much more resigned. I felt pleased to be little, to be nothing, and to lie
in the dust. I enjoyed life and consolation in pleading for the dear
children of God, and the kingdom of Christ in the world: and my soul
earnestly breathed after holiness, and the enjoyment of God. "O come, Lord
Jesus, come quickly." 

July 29. - "I was examined by the Association met at Danbury, as to my
learning, and also my experience in religion, and received a license from
them to preach the Gospel of Christ. Afterward felt much devoted to God;
joined in prayer with one of the ministers, my peculiar friend, in a
convenient place; and went to bed resolving to live devoted to God all my
days." 

   _____  

CHAPTER 3. 
  

>From his being licensed to preach, till he was commissioned as a Missionary.


July 30, - Nov. 25, 1742. 

July 30, 1742. - "Rode from Danbury to Southbury; preached there, from I
Pet. 4:8. Had much of the comfortable presence of God in the exercise. I
seemed to have power with God in prayer, and power to get hold of the hearts
of the people in preaching. 

Aug. 12. (Near Kent.) - "This morning and last night I was exercised with
sore inward trials: I had no power to pray: but seemed shut out from God. I
had in a great measure lost my hopes of God's sending me among the heathen
afar off, and of seeing them flock home to Christ. I saw so much of my
vileness, that I wondered that God would let me live and that people did not
stone me; much more that they would ever hear me preach! 

It seemed as though I never could preach any more; yet about nine or ten
o'clock the people came over, and I was forced to preach; and blessed be
God, he gave me his presence and Spirit in prayer and preaching; so that I
was much assisted, and spake with power, from Job, 14:14. Some Indians
residing here, cried out in great distress, and all appeared greatly
concerned. After we had prayed and exhorted them to seek the Lord with
constancy, and hired an English woman to keep a kind of school among them,
we came away." 

Lord's day, Aug. 15. - "Felt much comfort and devotedness to God this day.
At night, it was refreshing to get alone with God, and pour out my soul.
Oh!, who can conceive of the sweetness of communion with the blessed God,
but those who have experience of it! Glory to God for ever, that I may taste
heaven below. 

Aug. 17. - "Exceedingly depressed in spirit, it cuts and wounds my heart to
think how much self-exaltation, spiritual pride, and warmth of temper, I
have formerly had intermingled with my endeavors to promote God's work: and
sometimes I long to lie down at the feet of opposers, and confess what a
poor imperfect creature I have been, and still am. The Lord forgive me, and
make me, for the future, "wise as a serpent, and harmless as a dove!"
Afterward enjoyed considerable comfort and delight of soul. 

Aug. 19. - "This day, being about to go from Mr. Bellamy's, at Bethlehem,
where I had resided some time, I prayed with him and two or three other
Christian friends. We gave ourselves to God with all our hearts, to he his
for ever: eternity looked very near to me while I was praying. If I never
should see these Christians again in this world, it seemed but a few moments
before I should meet them in another world. 

Aug. 23. - "Had a sweet season in secret prayer: the Lord drew near to my
soul, and filled me with peace and divine consolation. Oh!, my soul tasted
the sweetness of heaven; and was drawn out in prayer for the world, that it
might come home to Christ! Had much comfort in the thoughts and hopes of the
ingathering of the heathen; was greatly assisted in intercession for
Christian friends." 

Sept. 1. - "Went to Judea to the ordination of Mr. Judd. Mr. Bellamy
preached from Matt. 24:26. 'Blessed is that servant whom his Lord, when he
cometh, shall find so doing. ' I felt very solemn; had my thoughts much on
that time when our Lord will come, which refreshed my soul much; only I was
afraid I should not be found faithful, because I have so vile a heart. My
thoughts were much in eternity where I love to dwell. Blessed be God for
this solemn season. Rode home to night with Mr. Bellamy, conversed with some
friends till it was very late, and then retired to rest in a comfortable
frame. 

Sept. 4. - "Much out of health, exceedingly depressed in my soul, and at
awful distance from God. Toward night, spent some time in profitable
thoughts on Rom. 8:2. Near night, had a very sweet season in prayer; God
enabled me to wrestle ardently for the advancement of the Redeemer's
kingdom; pleaded earnestly for my own dear brother John, (who at length
became his successor as a Missionary to the Indians,) that God would make
him more of a pilgrim and stranger on the earth, and fit him for singular
serviceableness in the world; and my heart sweetly exulted in the Lord, in
the thoughts of any distresses that might alight on him or on me, in the
advancement of Christ's kingdom. It was a sweet and comfortable hour unto my
soul, while I was indulged with freedom to plead, not only for myself, but
also for many other souls. 

Sept. 16. - "At night, enjoyed much of God, in secret prayer: felt an
uncommon resignation to be and do what God pleased. Some days past I felt
great perplexity on account of my past conduct: my bitterness, and want of
Christian kindness and love, has been very distressing to my soul: the Lord
forgive my unchristian warmth, and want of a spirit of meekness! 

Oct. 21. - "Had a very deep sense of the vanity of the world, most of the
day; had little more regard to it, than if I had been to go into eternity
the next hour. Through divine goodness, I felt very serious and solemn. Oh!
1 love to live on the brink of eternity, in my views and meditations! This
gives me a sweet, awful, and reverential sense and apprehension of God and
divine things, when I see myself as it were, standing before the judgment
seat of Christ. 

Oct. 22. - "Uncommonly weaned from the world to-day: my soul delighted to be
a "stranger and pilgrim on the earth;" I felt a disposition in me never to
have any thing to do with this world. The character given of some of the
ancient people of God, in Heb. 11: 13, was very pleasing to me, "they
confessed that they were pilgrims and strangers on the earth, " by their
daily practice; and Oh! that I could always do so! Spent some time in a
pleasant grove, in prayer and meditation. Oh! it is sweet to be thus weaned
from friends, and from myself, and dead to the present world, that so I may
live wholly to and upon the blessed God! Saw myself little, low and vile, as
I am in myself. In the afternoon preached at Bethlehem from Dent. 8:2. God
helped me to speak to the hearts of dear Christians. Blessed be the Lord for
this season: I trust they and I shall rejoice on this account to all
eternity. Dear Mr. Bellamy came in while I was making the first prayer,
(having returned home from a journey,) and after meeting we walked away
together, and spent the evening in sweetly conversing on divine things, and
praying together, with tender love to each other, and retired to rest with
our hearts in a serious spiritual frame. 

Oct. 26. - "[At West Suffield.] Was in great distress, under a sense of my
own unworthiness. It seemed to me that I deserved rather to be driven out of
the place, than to have anybody treat me with kindness, or come to hear me
preach. And verily my spirits were so depressed at this time (as at many
others) that it was impossible I should treat immortal souls with
faithfulness. I could snot deal closely and faithfully with them, I felt so
infinitely vile in myself. Oh! what dust and ashes I am, to think of
preaching the Gospel to others! Indeed, I never can be faithful for one
moment, but shall certainly "daub with untempered mortar," if God do not
grant me special help. In the evening I went to the meeting-house, and it
looked to me near as easy for one to rise out of the grave and preach, as
for me. However, God afforded me some life and power, both in prayer and
sermon; and was pleased to lift me up, and show me that he could enable me
to preach. Oh! the wonderful goodness of God to so vile a sinner! Returned
to my lodgings, and enjoyed some sweetness in prayer alone, and mourned that
I could not live more to God. 

November 4. - "[At Lebanon.] Saw much of my nothingness most of this day;
but felt concerned that I had no more sense of my insufficiency and
unworthiness. Oh! it is sweet lying in the dust! But it is distressing to
feel in my soul that hell of corruption which still remains in me. In the
afternoon had a sense of the sweetness of a strict, close, and constant
devotedness to God, and my soul was comforted with his consolations. My soul
felt a pleasing, yet painful concern, lest I should spend some moments
without God. Oh! may I always live to God! In the evening I was visited by
some friends, and spent the time in prayer, and such conversation as tended
to our edification. It was a comfortable season to my soul: I felt an
intense desire to spend every moment for God. God is unspeakably gracious to
me continually. In times past, he has given me inexpressible sweetness in
the performance of duty. Frequently my soul has enjoyed much of God; but has
been ready to say, "Lord, it is good to be here," and so to indulge sloth,
while I have lived on my enjoyments. But of late, God has been pleased to
keep my soul hungry, almost continually; so that I have been filled with a
kind of pleasing pain. When I really enjoy God I feel my desires of him the
more insatiable, and my thirstings after holiness the more unquenchable; and
the Lord will not allow me to feel as though I were fully supplied and
satisfied, but keeps me still reaching forward. I feel barren and empty, as
though I could not live with more of God; I feel ashamed and guilty before
him. I see that "the law is spiritual, but I am carnal." I do not, I cannot
live to God. Oh! for holiness! Oh! for more of God in my soul! Oh! this
pleasing pain! It makes my soul press after God; the language of it is,
"Then shall I be satisfied, when I awake in God's likeness," but never,
never before: and consequently, I am engaged to "press toward the mark," day
by day. Oh! that I may feel this continual hunger, and not be retarded, but
rather animated, by every cluster from Canaan, to reach forward in the
narrow way for the full enjoyment and possession of the heavenly
inheritance! Oh! that I may never loiter in my heavenly journey!" 

Lord's day, Nov. 7. - "[At Millington.] It seemed as if such an unholy
wretch as I never could arrive at that blessedness, to be "holy, as God is
holy." At noon, I longed for sanctification, and conformity to God. Oh! that
is the all, the all. The Lord help me to press after God forever. 

Nov. 8. - "Toward night, enjoyed much sweetness in secret prayer, so that my
soul longed for an arrival in the heavenly country, the blessed paradise of
God. Through divine goodness I have scarce seen the day for two months, in
which death has not looked so pleasant to me, at one time or other of the
day, that I could have rejoiced that it should be my last, notwithstanding
my present inward trials and conflicts. I trust the Lord will finally make
me a conqueror, and more than a conqueror; and that I shall be able to use
that triumphant language, "O death, where is thy sting! Oh! grave, where is
thy victory!" 

Nov. 19. - "[At New-Haven.] Received a letter from the Rev. Mr. Pemberton,
of New-York, desiring me speedily to go down thither, and consult in
reference to the evangelizing of the Indians in those parts; and to meet
certain gentlemen there who were intrusted with those affairs. My mind was
instantly seized with concern; so I retired, with two or three Christian
friends, and prayed; and indeed it was a sweet time with me. I was enabled
to leave myself, and all my concerns with God; and taking leave of friends,
I rode to Ripton, and was comforted in an opportunity to see and converse
with dear Mr. Mills." 

Nov. 24. - "Came to New-York; felt still much concerned about the importance
of my business; made many earnest requests to God for his help and
direction; was confused with the noise and tumult of the city; enjoyed but
little time alone with God; but my soul longed after him. 

Nov. 25. - "Spent much time in prayer and supplication: was examined in
reference to my Christian experience, my acquaintance with divinity, and
some other studies and my qualifications for the important work of
evangelizing the heathen [Mr. Brainerd was examined by the correspondents in
New-York, New-Jersey, and Pennsylvania, of the Society in Scotland for
propagating Christian knowledge; to whom was committed the management of
their affairs in those parts, and who were not met at New-York.], and was
made sensible of my great ignorance and unfitness for public service. I had
the most abasing thoughts of myself; I felt that I was the worst wretch that
ever lived: it pained my very heart, that anybody should show me any
respect. Alas! me thought how sadly they are deceived in me! how miserably
would they be disappointed if they knew my inside! Oh! my heart! And in the
depressed condition I was forced to go and preach to a considerable
assembly, before some grave and learned ministers; but felt such a pressure
from a sense of my vileness, ignorance, and unfitness to appear in public,
that I was almost overcome with it; my soul was grieved for the
congregation, that they should sit there to hear such a dead dog as I
preach, I thought myself infinitely indebted to the people, and longed that
God would reward them with the rewards of his grace. I spent much of the
evening alone." 

   _____  

CHAPTER 4. 

>From his appointment as a Missionary, to his commencing his Mission among
the Indians at Kaunaumeek, in New-York. Nov. 26, 1742. - March 31, 1743. 

Nov. 26, 1742. - "Had still a sense of my great vileness, and endeavored as
much as I could to keep alone. Oh! what a nothing, what dust and ashes am I!
Enjoyed some peace and comfort in spreading my complaints before the God of
all grace. 

Nov. 27. - "Committed my soul to God with some degree of comfort; left
New-York about nine in the morning; came away with a distressing sense still
of my unspeakable unworthiness. Surely I may well love all my brethren; for
none of them all is so vile as 1: whatever they do outwardly, yet it seems
to me none is conscious of so much guilt before God. Oh! my leanness, my
barrenness, my carnality, and past bitterness, and want of a gospel temper!
These things oppress my soul. Rode from New-York, thirty miles, to White
Plains, and most of the way continued lifting up my heart to God for mercy
and purifying grace; and spent the evening much dejected in spirit. 

Dec. 1. - "My soul breathed after God, in sweet spiritual and longing
desires of conformity to him, and was brought to rest itself on his rich
grace, and felt strength and encouragement to do or suffer any thing, that
divine providence should allot me. Rode about twenty miles, from Stratfield
to Newtown." Within the space of the next nine days he went a journey from
Newton to Haddam, his native town; and after staying there some days,
returned again into the western part of Connecticut, and came to Southbury. 

Dec. 11th. - "Conversed with a dear friend, to whom I had thought of giving
a liberal education, and being at the whole charge of it, that he might be
fitted for the gospel ministry. [Brainerd, having now undertaken the
business of a missionary to the Indians, and having some estate left him by
his father, judged that there was no way in which he could spend it more for
the glory of God, than by being at the charge of educating some young man of
talents and piety for the ministry. The young man here spoken of was
selected for this purpose, and received his education at Brainerd's expense,
so long as his benefactor lived, which was till he was carried through his
third year in college.] I acquainted him with my thoughts on the subject,
and so left him to consider of it, till I should see him again. Then I rode
to Bethlehem, came to Mr. Bellamy's lodgings, and spent the evening with him
in sweet conversation and prayer. We commended the concern of sending my
friend to college to the God of all grace. Blessed be the Lord for this
evening's opportunity together. 

Lord's day, Dec. 12. - "I felt, in the morning, as if I had little or no
power either to pray or preach; and felt a distressing need of divine help.
I went to meeting trembling; but it pleased God to assist me in prayer and
sermon. I think my soul scarce ever penetrated so far into the immaterial
world, in any one prayer that I ever made, nor were my devotions ever so
free from gross conceptions and imaginations framed from beholding material
objects. I preached with some satisfaction, from Matt. 6:33. "But seek ye
first the kingdom of God, " &c.; and in the afternoon, from Rom. 15:30. "And
now I beseech you brethren, " &c. There was much affection in the assembly.
This has been a sweet Sabbath to me; and blessed be God, I have reason to
think that my religion has become more spiritual by means of late inward
conflicts. Amen. May I always be willing that God should use his own methods
with me! 

Dec. 14. -"Some perplexity hung on my mind; I was distressed last night and
this morning for the interests of Zion, especially on account of the false
appearances of religion, that do but rather breed confusion, especially in
some places. I cried to God for help, to enable me to bear testimony against
those things, which, instead of promoting, do but hinder the progress of
vital piety. In the afternoon, rode down to Southbury, and conversed again
with my friend on the important subject of his pursuing the work of the
ministry; and he appeared much inclined to devote himself to it, if God
should succeed his attempts to qualify himself for so great a work. In the
evening I preached from I Thess. 4:8, and endeavored, though with
tenderness, to undermine false religion. The Lord gave me some assistance. 

Dec. 15. - "Enjoyed some thing of God to-day, both in secret and social
prayer; but was sensible of much barrenness and defect in duty, as well as
my inability to help myself for the time to come, or to perform the work and
business I have to do. Afterward, felt much of the sweetness of religion,
and the tenderness of the gospel-temper. I found a dear love to all mankind,
and was much afraid lest some motion of anger or resentment should, from
time to time creep into my heart. Had some comforting, soul-refreshing
discourse with dear friends, just as we took our leave of each other; and
supposed it might be we should not meet again till we came to the eternal
world. [It had been determined by the Commissioners, who employed Brainerd
as a missionary, that he should go, as soon as might be convenient, to the
Indians living near the Forks of Delaware river, and the Indians on
Susquehanna river. The distance of those places, and his probable exposure
to many hardships and dangers, was the occasion of his taking leave of his
friends in this manner.] I doubt not but, through grace, some of us shall
have a happy meeting there, and bless God for this season, as well as many
others. Amen. 

Dec. 18. "Spent much time in prayer in the woods; and seemed raised above
the things of the world: my soul was strong in the Lord of Hosts; but was
sensible of great barrenness. 

Dec. 23. - "Enjoyed, I trust, the presence of God this morning in secret.
Oh!, How divinely sweet is it to come into the secret of his presence, and
abide in his pavilion! 

Dec. 27. - "Enjoyed a precious season indeed; had a melting sense of divine
things, of the pure spirituality of the religion of Christ Jesus. In the
evening I preached from Matt. 6:33. with much freedom, power and pungency:
the presence of God attended our meeting. Oh!, the sweetness, the tenderness
I felt in my soul! If ever I felt the temper of Christ, I had some sense of
it now. Blessed be my God, I have seldom enjoyed a more comfortable and
profitable day than this. Oh!, that I could spend all my time for God! 

Jan. 14, 1743. - "My spiritual conflicts to-day were unspeakably dreadful,
heavier than the mountains and over-flowing floods. I was deprived of all
sense of God, even of the being of a God; and that was my misery. The
torments of the damned, I am sure, will consist much in a privation of God,
and consequently of all good. This taught me the absolute dependence of a
creature upon God the Creator, for every crumb of happiness it enjoys. Oh!,
I feel that, if there is no God, though I might live forever here, and enjoy
not only this, but all other worlds, I should be ten thousand times more
miserable than a reptile. 

Lord's day, Jan. 23. - "I scarce ever felt myself so unfit to exist as now:
saw I was not worthy of a place among the Indians, where I am going, if God
permit: thought I should be ashamed to look them in the face, and much more
to have any respect shown me there. Indeed I felt myself banished from the
earth, as if all places were too good for such a wretch. I thought I should
be ashamed to go among the very savages of Africa; I appeared to myself a
creature fit for nothing, neither heaven nor earth. None know but those who
feel it, what the soul endures that is sensibly shut out from the presence
of God: alas! it is more bitter than death. 

Feb. 2. - "Preached my farewell sermon last night, at the house of an aged
man, who had been unable to attend on public worship for some time. This
morning spent the time in prayer almost wherever I went; and having taken
leave of friends, I set out on my journey toward the Indians; though I was
first to spend some weeks at East -Hampton, on Long-Island, by leave of the
commissioners; the winter season being judged unfavorable for the
commencement of the mission. 

Feb. 12. - [At East-Hampton.] "Enjoyed a little more comfort; was enabled to
meditate with some composure of mind; and especially in the evening, found
my soul more refreshed in prayer than at any time of late; my soul seemed to
"take hold of God's strength," and was comforted with his consolations. Oh!,
how sweet are some glimpses of divine glory! how strengthening and
quickening! 

Feb. 15. "Early in the day I felt some comfort, afterward I walked into a
neighboring grove, and felt more as a stranger on earth, I think, than ever
before; dead to any Of the enjoyments of the world. In the evening had
divine sweetness in secret duty: God was then my portion, and my soul rose
above those deep waters, into which I have sunk so low of late. My soul then
cried for Zion, and had sweetness in so doing." 

Feb. 17. - "Preached this day at a little village in East-Hampton; and God
was pleased to give me his gracious presence and assistance, so that I spake
with freedom, boldness, and some power. In the evening spent some time with
a dear Christian friend; and felt serious, as on the brink of eternity. Our
interview was truly a little emblem of heaven itself. I find my soul is more
refined and weaned from a dependence on my frames and spiritual feelings. 

Feb. 18. -"Had some enjoyment most of the day, and found access to the
throne of grace. Blessed be the Lord for any intervals of heavenly delight
and composure, while I am engaged in the field of battle. Oh!, that I might
be serious, solemn, and always vigilant, while in an evil world! Had some
opportunity alone to-day , and found some freedom in study, Oh!, In long to
live to God!" 

During the next two weeks it appears that for the most part he enjoyed much
spiritual peace and comfort. In his diary for this space of time, are
expressed such things as these; mouming over indwelling sin,
unprofitableness; deadness to the world; longing after God, and to live to
his glory; heart melting desires after his eternal home; fixed reliance on
God for his help; experience of such divine assistance, both in the private
and public exercises of religion; inward strength nd courage in the service
of God; very frequent refreshment, consolation, and divine sweetness in
meditation, prayer, preaching, and Christian conversation. And it appears by
his account, that this space of time was filled up with great diligence and
earnestness in serving God; in study, prayer, meditation, preaching, and
privately instructing and counseling. 

March 7. - "This morning when In arose In found my heart go forth after God
in longing desires of conformity to him, and in secret prayer found myself
sweetly quickened and drawn out in praises to God for all he had done to and
for me, and for all my inward trials and distress of late. My heart ascribed
glory, glory, glory to the blessed God' and bid welcome to all inward
distress again, if God saw meet to exercise me with it. Time appeared but an
inch long, and eternity at hand; and In thought In could with patience and
cheerfulness bear any thing for the cause of God; for In saw that a moment
would bring me to a world of peace and blessedness. My soul, by the strength
of the Lord, rose far above this lower world, and all the vain amusements
and frightful disappointments of it. 

Lord's day, March 13, "At noon, In thought it impossible for me to preach,
by reason of bodily weakness and inward deadness. In the first prayer, In
was so weak that In could scarcely stand; but in the sermon, God
strengthened me, so that In spake near an hour and a half with sweet
freedom, clearness, and some tender power, from Gen. 5:24. "And Enoch walked
with God. " In was sweetly assisted to insist on a close walk with God, and
to leave this as my parting advice to God's people here, that they would
"walk with God. " May the God of all grace succeed my poor labors in this
place' 

March 14. "In the morning was very busy in preparation for my journey, and
was almost continually engaged in ejaculatory prayer. About ten took leave
of the dear people of East-Hampton; my heart grieved and mourned, and
rejoiced at the same time; rode near fifty miles to a part of Brook-Haven,
and lodged there, and had refreshing conversation with a Christian friend."
In two days more he reached New-York; but complains of much desertion and
deadness on the road. He stayed one day in New-York, and on Friday went to
Mr. Dickinson's at Elizabeth-Town. 

March. 19. "Was bitterly distressed under a sense of my ignorance, darkness,
and unworthiness; got alone, and poured out my complaint to God in the
bitterness of my soul. In the afternoon rode to Newark, and has some
sweetness in conversation and prayer with Mr. Buff. Oh! blessed be God for
ever and ever, for any enlivening and quickening seasons. 

Lord's day, March 2Oh!. "Preached in the forenoon: God gave me some
assistance, and enabled me to speak with real tenderness, love, and
impartiality. In the evening preached again; and of a truth God was pleased
to assist a poor worm. Blessed be God, In was enabled to speak with life,
power, and desire of the edification of God's people; and with some power to
sinners. In the evening In was watchful, lest my heart should by any means
be drawn away from God. Oh! when shall In come to that blessed world where
every power of my soul will be incessantly and eternally wound up in
heavenly employments and enjoyments, to the highest degree!" 

On Monday he went to Woodbridge, New Jersey, where he met the
Correspondents, who, instead of sending him to the Indians at the Forks of
the Delaware, as before intended, directed him to go to a number of Indians
at Kaunaumeek; a place in New-York, in the woods between Stockbridge and
Albany. This alteration was occasioned by two things. 1. Information which
the correspondents had received of some contention between the white people
and the Indians on the Delaware, concerning their lands; which they supposed
would be a hindrance to the success of a missionary among them at that time.
2. Some intimations which they had received from Mr. Sergeant, Missionary to
the Indians at Stockbridge, concerning the Indians at Kaunaumeek, and the
hopeful prospect of success which a Missionary might have among them. On the
day following he set out on his journey for Kaunaumeek, and arrived at Mr.
Sergeant's house in Stockbridge March 31. 

   _____  

CHAPTER 5. 

His labors for nearly a year among the Indians at Kaunaumeek - temporal
deprivations and sufferings - establishes a school - confession offered to
the faculty of Yale College - days of fasting - methods of instructing the
Indians - visit to New-Jersey and Connecticut - commencement of labor among
the Indians at the Forks of the Delaware - Ordination. 

April 1, 1743. - June 12, 1744. 

April 1, 1743. "In rode to Kaunaumeek, in the wilderness, near twenty miles
from Stockbridge, and about an equal distance from Albany, where the Indians
live with whom In am concerned; and lodged with a poor Scotchman, about a
mile and a half distant from them, on a little heap of straw, in a log room
without any floor. In was greatly exercised with inward trials, and seemed
to have no God to go to. Oh! that God would help me! 

April 7., "Appeared to myself exceedingly ignorant, weak, helpless,
unworthy, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me that In should
never do any service, or have any success among the Indians. My soul was
weary of my life; In longed for death, beyond measure. When In thought of
any godly soul departed, my soul was ready to envy him his privilege,
thinking, "O when will my turn come! must it be years first!" But In know
these ardent desires, at this and other times, rose partly from the want of
resignation to God under all miseries; and so were but impatience. Toward
night In had the exercise of faith in prayer, and some assistance in
writing. Oh! that God would keep me near him! 

Lord's day, April 10. "Rose early in the morning and walked out and spent a
considerable time in the woods, in prayer and meditation. Preached to the
Indians, both forenoon and afternoon. They behaved soberly in general: two
or three in particular appeared to be under some religious concern; with
whom In discoursed privately; and one told me, "that her heart had cried
ever since she first heard me preach." 

April 16. - "In the afternoon preached to my people; but was more
discouraged with them than before; feared that nothing would ever be done
for them to any happy effect. In retired and poured out my soul to God for
mercy; but without any sensible relief. Soon after, two ungodly men came,
with a design, as they said, to hear me preach the next day; but none can
tell how In felt to hear their profane talk. Oh!, In longed that some dear
Christian should know my distress. I got into a kind of hove, and there
groaned out my complaint to God; and withal felt more sensible gratitude and
thankfulness to God; that he had made me to differ from these men, as In
knew, through grace, he had. Lord's day, April 17. - "In the morning was
again distressed as soon as In awaked, hearing much talk about the world,
and the things of it. In perceived that the men were in some measure afraid
of me; and In discoursed about sanctifying the Sabbath, if possible to
solemnize their minds; but when they were at a little distance, they again
talked freely about secular affairs. Oh! I thought what a hell it would be
to live with such men to eternity! The Lord gave me some assistance in
preaching, all day, and some resignation, and a small degree of comfort in
prayer, at night. 

April 19. - "In the morning In enjoyed some sweet repose and rest in God;
felt some strength and confidence in him; and my soul was in some measure
refreshed and comforted. Spent most of the day in writing, and had some
exercise of grace, sensible and comfortable. My soul seemed lifted above the
deep waters, wherein it has long been almost drowned; felt some spiritual
longings and breathings after God; and found myself engaged for the
advancement of Christ's kingdom in my own soul. 

April 20. - "Set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to bow my soul
before God for in the bestowment of divine grace; especially that all my
spiritual afflictions, and inward distresses, might be sanctified to my
soul. And endeavored also to remember the goodness of God to me the year
past, this day being my birth day. Having obtained help of God, In have
hitherto lived, and am now arrived at the age of twenty-five years. My soul
was pained to think of my barrenness and deadness; that In have lived so
little to the glory of the eternal God. In spent the day in the woods alone,
and there poured out my complaint to God. Oh! that God would enable me to
live to his glory for the future! May 10. - "Was in the same state as to my
mind, that In have been in for some time; extremely oppressed with a sense
of guilt, pollution, and blindness, "The iniquity of my heels hath compassed
me about: the sins of my youth have been set in order before me; they have
gone over my head, as an heavy burden, too heavy for me to bear." Almost all
the actions of my life past seem to be covered over with sin and guilt; and
those of them that In performed in the most conscientious manner, now fill
me with shame and confusion, that In cannot hold up my face. Oh!, the pride,
selfishness, hypocrisy, ignorance, bitterness, party zeal, and the want of
love, candor, meekness, and gentleness, that have attended my attempts to
promote the interests of religion; and this, when In have reason to hope In
had real assistance from above, and some sweet intercourse with heaven! But
alas, what corrupt mixtures attended my best duties!" 

May 18. - "My circumstances are such that In have no comfort of any kind,
but what I have in God. In live in the most lonesome wilderness; have but
one single person to converse with that can speak English. [This person was
Brainerd's interpreter, an ingenious young Indian, belonging to Stockbridge,
whose name was John Wauwaumpequunnaunt. He had been instructed in the
Christian religion by Mr. Sergeant; had lived with the Rev. Mr. Williams, of
Long-Meadow; had been further instructed by him, at the charge of Mr.
Hollis, of London; and understood both English and Indian very well, and
wrote a good hand.] Most of the talk I hear, is either Highland Scotch, or
Indian. In have no fellow-Christian to whom In may unbosom myself, or lay
open my spiritual sorrows; with whom In may take sweet counsel in
conversation about heavenly things, and join in social prayer. In live
poorly with regard to the comforts of life: most of my diet consists of
boiled corn, hasty-pudding, &c. In lodge on a bundle of straw, my laboris
hard and extremely difficult, and In have little appearance of success to
comfort me. The Indians have no land to live on but what the Dutch people
lay claim to; and these threaten to drive them off. They have no regard to
the souls of the poor Indians; and by what In can learn, they hate me
because In come to preach. to them. But that which makes all my difficulties
grievous to be home, is, that God hides his face from me. 

May 20. - "Was much perplexed some part of the day; but toward night had
some comfortable meditations on Isa. 40: 1. "Comfort ye, comfort ye my
people, saith your God, " and enjoyed some sweetness in prayer. Afterward my
soul rose so far above the deep waters, that In dared to rejoice in God. In
saw that there was sufficient matter of consolation in the blessed God." On
Monday, May 30, he set out on a journey to New-Jersey to consult the
commissioners, and obtain orders from them to set up a school among the
Indians at Kaunaumeek, and that this interpreter might be appointed the
schoolmaster; which was accordingly done. He proceeded from New-Jersey to
New-Haven, where he arrived onMonday, June 6; attempted a reconciliation
with the faculty of the college; and spent this week in visiting his friends
in those parts, and in his journey homeward, till Saturday, in a pretty
comfortable frame of mind. On Saturday, in his way from Stockbridge to
Kaunaumeek, he was lost in the woods, and lay all night in the open air; but
happily found his way in the morning, and came to his Indians on Lord's day,
June 12, and had greater assistance in preaching among them than ever
before, since his first coming among them. 

>From this time forward he was the subject of various frames and exercises of
mind, in the general much after the same manner as hitherto from his first
coming to Kaunaumeek, till he got into his own house, (a little hut, which
he made chiefly with his own hands, by long and hard labor.) He found that
the distance of the family with whom he at first lodged, debarred him from
many favorable opportunities to access to the Indians, especially morning
and evening; and after about three months, removed and lived with the
Indians in one of their wigwams. Here he continued for about one month, when
he completed the small house of which he now speaks. Although he was much
dejected during most of the period, yet he had many intermissions of his
melancholy, and some seasons of comfort, sweet tranquillity and resignation
of mind, and frequently special assistance in public services, as appears in
his diary. The manner of his relief from his sorrow, once in particular, is
worthy to be mentioned in his own words. 

July 25. - "Had little or no resolution for a life of holiness; was ready
almost to renounce my hope of living to God. And Oh! how dark it looked, to
think of being unholy for ever! This In could not endure. The cry of my soul
was, Psalm 65:3. "Iniquities prevail against me. " But In was in some
measure relieved by a comfortable meditation of God's eternity, that he
never had a beginning. Whence In was led to admire his greatness and power,
in such a manner, that In stood still, and praised the Lord for his own
glories and perfections: though In was (and if In should for ever be) an
unholy creature, my soul was comforted to apprehend an eternal, infinite,
powerful, holy God." 

July 30 - "Just at night, moved into my own house, and lodged there that
night; found it much better spending the time alone than in a wigwam where
In was before. 

Lord's day, July 31. - "Felt more comfortably than some days past. Blessed
be the Lord, who has now given me a place of retirement. Oh! that In may
find God in it, and that he would dwell with me for ever! 

Aug. 1. - "Was still busy in further labors on my house. Felt a little
sweetness of religion, and thought that it was worth while to follow after
God through a thousand snares, deserts, and death itself Oh! that In might
always follow after holiness, that In may be fully conformed to God! Had
some degree of sweetness in secret prayer, though In had much sorrow. 

Aug, 3. - "Spent most of the day in writing. Enjoyed some sense of religion.
Through divine goodness In am now uninterruptedly alone, and find my
retirement comfortable. In have enjoyed more sense of divine things within a
few days last past than for some time before. In longed after holiness,
humility, and meekness: Oh! that God would enable me to 'pass the time of my
sojourning here in his fear,' and always live to him! 

Aug. 4. - "Was enabled to pray much through the whole day; and through
divine goodness found some intenseness of soul in the duty, as In used to
do, and some ability to persevere in my supplications. In had some
apprehensions of divine things, which afforded me courage and resolution. It
is good, In find, to persevere in attempts to pray, if In cannot pray with
perseverance, i.e. continue long in my addresses to the Divine Being. In
have generally found that the more In do in secret prayer, the more In have
delighted to do, and the more In have enjoyed a spirit of prayer; and
frequently In have found the contrary, when by journeying or otherwise In
have been much deprived of retirement. A seasonable, steady performance of
secret duties in their proper hours, and a careful improvement of all time,
filling every hour with some profitable labor, either of heart, head, and
hands, are excellent means of spiritual peace and boldness before God.
Filling up our time with and for God, is the way to rise up and lie down in
peace. 

Aug. 13. - "Was enabled in secret prayer to raise my soul to God, with
desire and delight. It was indeed a blessed season. In found the comfort of
being a Christian; and "counted the sufferings of the present life not
worthy to be compared with the glory" of divine enjoyments even in this
world. All my past sorrows seemed kindly to disappear, and In "remembered no
more the sorrow, for joy." Oh!, How kindly, and with what a filial
tenderness, the soul confides in "the Rock of Ages," at such a season, that
he will "never leave it nor forsake it," that he will cause "all things to
work together for its good!" In longed that others should know how good a
God the Lord is. My soul was full of tenderness and love, even to the most
inveterate of my enemies. In longed that they should share in the same
mercy; and loved that God should so do-just as he pleased with me and
everything else. In felt peculiarly serious, calm, and peaceful, and
encouragement to press after holiness as long as In live, whatever
difficulties and trials may be in my way. May the Lord always help me so to
do! Amen, and Amen. 

Aug. 15. - "Spent most of the day in labor, to procure something to keep my
horse on in the winter. Had not much spiritual enjoyment in the morning; was
very weak in body through the day; and thought that this frail body would
soon drop into the dust; and had some very realizing apprehensions of a
speedy entrance into another world. In this weak state of body, In was not a
little distressed for want of suitable food. In had no bread, nor could In
get any. In am forced to go or send ten or fifteen miles for all the bread
In eat; and sometimes it is moldy and sour before In eat it, if In get any
considerable quantity. And then again In have none for some days together,
for want of an opportunity to send for it, and cannot find my horse in the
woods to go myself; and this was my case now; but through divine goodness In
had some Indian meal, of which In made cakes, and fried them. Yet In felt
contented with my circumstances and sweetly resigned to God. In prayer In
enjoyed great freedom; and blessed God as much for my present circumstances
as if In had been a king; and thought that In had found a disposition to be
contented in any circumstances. Blessed be God." In his diary for Saturday,
he says he was somewhat melancholy and sorrowful in mind; and adds, "In
never feel comfortably but when In find my soul going forth after God. If In
cannot be holy, In must necessarily be miserable for ever. 

Lord's day, Aug. 21. - "Was much straitened in the forenoon exercise; my
thoughts seemed to be all scattered to the ends of the earth. At noon, In
fell down before the Lord, groaned under my vileness, barrenness, and
deadness; and felt as if In was guilty of soul murder, in speaking to
immortal souls in such a manner as In had then done. In the afternoon God
was pleased to give me some assistance, and In was enabled to set before my
hearers the nature and necessity of true repentance. Afterward had some
small degree of thankfulness. Was very ill and full of pain in the evening
and my soul mourned that In had spent so much time to so little profit. 

Aug. 23. - "Studied in the forenoon, and enjoyed some freedom. In the
afternoon labored abroad: endeavored to pray, but found not much enjoyment
or intenseness of mind. Toward night was very weary, and tired of this world
of sorrow: the thoughts of death and immortality appeared very desirable,
and even refreshed my soul. Those lines turned in my mind with pleasure,
"Come death, shake hands; I'll kiss thy bands; ... Tis happiness for me to
die. - "What! - dost thou think that In will shrink? "I'll go to
immortality." "In evening prayer, God was pleased to draw near my soul,
though very sinful and unworthy; so that I was enabled to wrestle with God,
and to persevere in my requests for grace. I poured out my soul for all the
world, friends and enemies. My soul was concerned, not so much for souls as
such, but rather for Christ's kingdom, that it might appear in the world,
that God might be known to be God, in the whole earth. And Oh! my soul
abhorred the very thought of a party in religion! Let the truth of God
appear, wherever it is; and God have glory for ever. Amen. This was indeed a
comfortable season. I thought I had some foretaste of the enjoyments and
employments of the upper world. Oh! that my soul was more attempered to it! 

Aug. 31. - [On a journey to New-York.] "Was in a sweet, serious, and I hope,
Christian frame. Eternal things engrossed all my thoughts; and I longed to
be in the world of spirits. Oh! how happy it is to have all our thoughts
swallowed up in that world: to feel one's self a stranger in this world,
diligently seeking a road through it, the best, the sure road to the
heavenly Jerusalem!" He went forward on his journey, and after tarrying two
or three days at New-York, set out from that city toward New-Haven,
intending to be there at the commencement. Lord's day, Sept. 11. - "[At
Horse-Neck.] In the afternoon I preached from Titus, 3:8. 1 think God never
helped me more in painting true religion, and in detecting clearly, and
tenderly discountenancing false appearances of religion, wild fire, party
zeal, spiritual pride, &c. as well as a confident dogmatical spirit, and its
spring, viz. ignorance of the heart. In the evening took much pains in
private conversation to suppress some confusions which I perceived were
among that people. 

Sept. 13. - "Rode to New-Haven. Was sometimes dejected; not in the sweetest
frame. Lodged at ****. Had some profitable Christian conversation. I find,
though my inward trials were great, and a life of solitude gives them
greater advantage to settle, and penetrate to the very inmost recesses of
the sotd; yet it is better to be alone than encumbered with noise and
tumult. I find it very difficult maintaining any sense of divine things
while removing from place to place diverted with new objects, and filled
with care and business. A settled steady business is best adapted to a life
of strict religion. 

Sept. 14. - "This day I ought to have taken my degree; but God sees fit to
deny it me. And though I was greatly afraid of being overwhelmed with
perplexity and confusion, when I should see my classmates take theirs; yet,
at the very time, God enabled me with calmness and resignation to say, "the
will of the Lord be done." Indeed, through divine goodness, I have scarcely
felt my mind so calm, sedate, and comfortable for some time. I had long
feared this season, and expected my humility, meekness, patience and
resignation would be much tried; but found much more pleasure and divine
comfort than I expected. Felt spiritually serious, tender and affectionate
in private prayer with a dear Christian friend to-day. 

Sept. 15. - "Had some satisfaction in hearing the ministers discourse. It is
always a comfort to me to hear religious and spiritual conversation. Oh!
that ministers and people were more spiritual and devoted to God! Toward
night, with the advice of Christian friends, I offered the following
reflections in writing, to the rector and trustees of the college - which
are not for substance the same that I had freely offered to the rector
before, and entreated him to accept - that if possible I might cut off all
occasion of offence from those who seek occasion. What I offered, is as
follows: 'Whereas I have said before several persons, concerning Mr.
Whittlesey, one of the tutors of Yale College, that I did not believe he had
any more grace than the chair I then leaned upon; I humbly confess, that
herein I have sinned against God, and acted contrary to the rules of his
word, and have injured Mr. Whittelsey. I had no right to make thus free with
his character; and had no just reason to say as I did concerning him. My
fault herein was the more aggravated, in that I said this concerning one who
was so much my superior, and one whom I was obliged to treat with special
respect and honor, by reason of the relation I stood in to him in the
college. Such a manner of behavior I confess did not become a Christian: it
was taking too much upon me, and did not savor of that humble respect which
I ought to have expressed toward Mr. Whittelsey. I have long since been
convinced of the falseness of those apprehensions, by which I then justified
such a conduct. I have often reflected on this act with grief; I hope, on
account of the sin of it: and am willing to lie low, and be abased before
God and man for it. I humbly ask the forgiveness of the governors of the
college and of the whole society; but of Mr. Whittelsey in particular. And
whereas I have been accused by one person of saying concerning the reverend
rector of Yale College, that I wondered he did not expect to drop down dead
for fining the scholars that followed Mr. Tennent to Milford; I seriously
profess that I do not remember my saying any thing to this purpose: but if I
did, which I am not certain I did not, I utterly condemn it, and detest all
such kind of behavior; and especially in an under-graduate toward the
rector. And I now appear to judge and condemn myself for going once to the
separate meeting in New-Haven, a little before I was expelled, though the
rector had refused to give me leave. For this I humbly ask the rector's
forgiveness. And whether the governors of the college shall ever see cause
to remove the academical censure I lie under, or no, or to admit me to the
privileges I desire; yet I am willing to appear, if they think fit, openly
to own, and to humble myself for those things I have herein confessed.' "
"God has made me willing to do any t ing that I can do consistently with
truth, for the sake of peace, and that I might not be stumbling block to
others. For this reason I can cheerfully forego and give up what I verily
believe, after the most mature and impartial search, is my right, in some
instances. God has given me the disposition, that, if a man has done me a
hundred injuries, and I (though ever so much provoked to it) have done him
only one, I feel disposed and heartily willing humbly to confess my fault to
him, and on my knees to ask forgivness of him; though at the same time he
should justify himself in all the injuries he has done me, and should only
make use of my humble confession to blacken my character the more, and
represent me as the only person guilty; yea, though he should as it were
insult me, and say, "he knew all this before, and that I was making work for
repentance." Though what I said concerning Mr. Whittelsey was only spoken in
private, to a friend or two; and being partly overheard, was related to the
rector, and by him extorted from my friends; yet, seeing it was divulged and
made public, I was willing to confess my fault therein publicly. But I trust
God will plead my cause." I was witness to the very Christian spirit which
Brainerd showed at that time; being then at New-Haven, and one whom he
thought fit to consult on that occasion. This was my first opportunity of a
personal acquaintance with him. There truly appeared in hixn a great degree
of calmness and humility, without the least appearance of rising of spirit
for any ill treatment which he supposed he had suffered, or the least
backwardness to abase him before them who, as he thought, had wronged him.
What he did was without any objection or appearance of reluctance, even in
private to his friends, to whom he freely opened himself. Earnest
application was made on his behalf to the authority of the college, that he
might have his degree then given him; and particularly by the Rev. Mr. Buff
of Newark, one of the correspondents of the society in Scotland; he being
sent from New-Jersey to New-Haven, by the rest of the commissioners, for
that end; and many arguments were used, but without success. Indeed, the
governors of the college were so far satisfied with the reflections which
Brainerd had made on himself, that they appeared willing to admit him again
into college; but not to give him his degree, till he should have remained
there at least twelve months, which being contrary to what the
correspondents, to whom he was now engaged, had declared to their mind, be
did not consent to it. He desired his degree, as he thought it would tend
to. his being more extensively useful; but still when he was denied it, he
manifested no disappointment or resentment. 

Sept. 20 "[At Bethlehem.] Had thoughts of going forward on my journey to my
Indians; but toward night was taken with a hard pain in my teeth, and
shivering cold; and could not possibly recover a comfortable degree of
warmth the whole night following. I continued very full of pain all night;
and in the morning had a very hard fever, and pains almost over my whole
body. I had a sense of the divine goodness in appointing this to be the
place of my sickness, among my friends, who were very kind to me. I should
probably have perished if I had first got home to my own house in the
wilderness, where I have none to converse with but the poor, rude, ignorant
Indians. Here, I saw, was mercy in the midst of affliction. I continued
thus, mostly confined to my bed, till Friday night; very full of pain most
of the time; but, through divine goodness, not afraid of death. Then I saw
the extreme folly of those who put off their turning to God till a sick bed.
Surely this is not a time proper to prepare for eternity. On Friday evening
my pains went off somewhat suddenly. I was exceedingly weak, and almost
fainted; but was very comfortable the night following. I thought we were to
prize the continuation of life, only on this account, that we may "show
forth God's goodness and works of grace." 

Oct. 4. - "This day rode home to my own house and people. The poor Indians
appeared very glad of my return. Found my house and all things in safety. I
presently fell on my knees, and blessed God for my safe return. I have taken
many considerable joumies since this time last year, and yet God has never
suffered one of my bones to be broken, or any distressing calamity to befall
me, excepting the ill turn I had in my last journey. I have been often
exposed to cold and hunger in the wilderness, where the comforts of life
were not to be had; have frequently been lost in the woods; and sometimes
obliged to ride much of the night; and once lay out in the woods all night;
yet blessed be God, he has preserved me! 

Nov. 3. - "Spent this day in secret fasting and prayer, from morning till
night. Early in the morning I had some small degree of assistance in prayer.
Afterward read the story of Elijah the prophet, I Kings, 17th, 18th, and
19th chapters; and also 2 Kings, 2nd, and 4th chapters. My soul was much
moved, observing the faith, zeal, and power of that holy man; how he
wrestled with God in prayer, &c. My soul then cried with Elisha, "Where is
the Lord God of Elijah!" Oh! I longed for more faith! My soul breathed after
God, and pleaded with him, that a "double portion of that spirit" which was
given to Elijah, might "rest on me. " And that which was divinely refreshing
and strengthening to my soul, was, I saw that God is the same that he was in
the days of Elijah. Was enabled to wrestle with God by prayer, in a more
affectionate, fervent, humble, intense, and importunate manner, than I have
for many months past. Nothing seemed too hard for God to perform; nothing
too great for me to hope for from him. I had for many months entirely lost
all hope of being made instrumental of doing any special service for God in
the world; it has appeared entirely impossible, that one so vile should be
thus employed for God. But at this time God was pleased to revive this hope.
Afterward read from the 3rd chapter of Exodus to the 20th, and saw more of
the glory and majesty of God discovered in those chapters that ever I had
seen before; frequently in the meantime failing on my knees and crying to
God for the faith of Moses, and for a manifestation of the divine glory.
Especially the 3d, 4th, and part of the 14th and 15th chapters were
unspeakably sweet to my soul: my soul blessed God that he had shown himself
so gracious to his servants of old. The 15th chapter seemed to be the very
language which my soul uttered to God in the season of my first spiritual
comfort, when I had just got through the Red Sea, by a way that I had no
expectation of. Oh! how my soul then rejoiced in God! And now those things
came fresh and lively to my mind; now my soul blessed God afresh that he had
opened that unthought of way to deliver me from the fear of the Egyptians,
when I almost despaired of life. Afterward read the story of Abraham's
pilgrimage in the land of Canaan. My soul was melted, in observing his
faith, how he leaned on God; how he communed with God; and what a stranger
he was here in the world. After that, read the story of Joseph's sufferings,
and God's goodness to him: blessed God for these examples of faith and
patience. My soul was ardent in prayer, was enabled to wrestle ardently for
myself, for Christian friends, and for the church of God; and felt more
desire to see the power of God in the conversion of souls, than I have done
for a long season. Blessed be God for this season of fasting and prayer! -
May his goodness always abide with me, and draw my soul to him! Nov. 10. -
"Spent this day in fasting and prayer alone. In the morning was very dull
and lifeless, melancholy and discouraged. But after some time, while reading
2 Kings, 19, my soul was moved and affected; especially reading verse 14,
and onward. I saw there was no other way for the afflicted children of God
to take, but to go to God with all their sorrows. Hezekiah, in his great
distress, went and spread his compldnt before the Lord. I was then enabled
to see the mighty power of God, and my extreme need of that power; and to
cry to him affectionately and ardently for his power and grace to be
exercised toward me. Afterward, read the story of David's trials, and
observed the course he took under them, how he strengthened his hands in
God; whereby my soul was carried out after God, enabled to cry to him, and
rely upon him, and felt strong in the Lord. Was afterward refreshed,
observing the blessed temper that was wrought in David by his trials: all
bitterness, and desire of revenge, seemed wholly taken away; so that he
moumed for the death of his enemies. 2 Sam. 1:17, and 4:9-12. Was enabled to
bless God that he had given me something of this divine temper, that my soul
freely forgives, and heartily loves my enemies. 

Nov. 29. - "Began to study the Indian tongue, with Mr. Sargeant, at
Stockbridge. [The commissioners who employed him, had directed him to spend
much time this winter with Mr. Sergeant, to learn the language of the
Indians; which necessitated him very often to ride backward and forward,
twenty miles through the uninhabited woods between Stockbridge and
Kaunaumeek; which many times exposed him to extreme hardship in the severe
seasons of the winter.] Was perplexed for want of more retirement. I love to
live alone in my own little cottage, where I can spend much time in prayer,
&c. 

Dec. 22. - "Spent this day alone in fasting and prayer, and reading in God's
word the exercises and deliverances of his children. Had, I trust, some
exercise of faith, and realizing apprehension of divine power, grace, and
holiness; and also of the unchange- ableness of God, that he is the same as
when he delivered his saints of old out of great tribulation. My soul was
sundry times in prayer enlarged for God's church and people. Oh! that Zion
might become the "joy of the whole earth!" It is better to wait upon God
with patience, than to put confidence in any thing in this lower world. "My
soul, wait thou on the Lord;" for "from him comes thy salvation. " 

Lord's day, Jan. 1, 1744. - "In the morning had some small degree of
assistance in prayer. Saw myself so vfle and unworthy that I could not look
my people in the face when I came to preach. Oh! my meanness, folly,
ignorance, and inward pollution! - In the evening had a little assistance in
prayer, so that the duty was delightful, rather than burdensome. Reflected
on the goodness of God to me in the past year, &c. Of a truth God has been
kind and gracious to me, though he has caused me to pass through many
sorrows; he has provided for me bountifully, so that I have been enabled, in
about fifteen months past, to bestow to charitable uses about an hundred
pounds New-England money, that I can now remember. Blessed be the Lord that
has so far used me as his steward, to distribute a portion of his goods. May
I always remember, that an I have comes from God. Blessed be the Lord, that
has carried me through all the toils, fatigues and hardships of the year
past, as well as the spiritual soff ows and conflicts that have attended it.
Oh! that I could begin this year with God, and spend the whole of it to his
glory, either in life or death! 

Jan. 3. - "Was employed much of the day in writing; and spent some time in
other necessary employment. But my time passes away so swiftly, that I am
astonished when I reflect on it, and see how little I do. My state of
solitude does not make the hours hang heavy upon my hands. Oh! what reason
of thankfulness have I on account of this retirement! I find that I do not,
and it seems I cannot, lead a Christian life when I am abroad, and cannot
spend time in devotion, Christian conversation, and serious meditation, as I
should do. Those weeks that I am obliged now to be from home, in order to
learn the Indian tongue, are mostly spent in perplexity and barrenness,
without much sweet relish of divine things; and I feel myself a stranger at
the throne of grace for want of more frequent and continued retirement. When
I return home and give myself to meditation, prayer, and fasting, a new
scene opens to my mind, and my soul longs for mortification, self-denial,
humility, and divorcement from all things of the world. This evening my
heart was somewhat warm and fervent in prayer and meditation, so that I was
loth to indulge sleep. Continued in those duties till about midnight. 

Jan. 6. - "Feeling my extreme weakness, and want of grace, the pollution of
my soul, and danger of temptations on every side, I set apart this day for
fasting and prayer, neither eating nor drinking from evening to evening,
beseeching God to have mercy on me. My soul intensely longed that the
dreadful spots and stains of sin might be washed away from it. Saw something
of the power and all-sufficiency of God. My soul seemed to rest on his power
and grace; longed for resignation to his will, and mortification to all
things here below. My mind was greatly fixed; my desires ardent and intense;
my conscience tender, and afraid of every appearance of evil. My soul
grieved with reflection on past levity, and want of resolution for God. I
solemnly renewed my dedication of myself to God, and longed for grace to
enable me always to keep covenant with him. Time appeared very short,
eternity near and a great name, either in or after life, together with all
earthly pleasures and profits, but an empty bubble, a deluding dream. 

Jan. 7. "Spent this day in seriousness, with steadfast resolutions for God,
and a life of mortification. Studied closely, till I felt my bodily strength
fail. Felt some degree of resignation to God, with an acquiescence in his
dispensations. Was grieved that I could do so little for God before my
bodily strength failed. In the evening, though tired, was enabled to
continue instant in prayer for some time. Spent the time in reading,
meditation, and prayer, till the evening was far spent: was grieved to think
that I could not watch unto prayer the whole night. But blessed be God,
heaven in a place of continual and incessant devotion though the earth is
dull. 

Jan. 14. "This morning, enjoyed a most solemn season in prayer: my soul
seemed enlarged and assisted to pour out itself to God for grace, and for
every blessing I wanted for myself, for dear Christian friends, and for the
church of God; and was so enabled to "see Him who is invisible, " that my
soul rested upon him for the performance of every thing I asked agreeable to
his will. It was then my happiness to 'continue instant in prayer,' and I
was enabled to continue in the Lord, and in the power of his might." Longed
exceedingly for an angelic holiness and purity, and to have all my thoughts,
at all times, employed in divine and heavenly things. Felt the same divine
assistance in prayer sundry times in the day. My soul confided in God for
myself, and for his Zion: trusted in divine power and grace, that he would
do glorious things in his church on earth, for his own glory. 

Feb. 3. "Enjoyed more freedom and comfort than of late; was engaged in
meditation upon the different whispers of the various powers and affections
of a pious -mind, exercised with a great variety of dispensations; and could
not but write, as well as meditate, on so entertaining a subject. I hope the
Lord gave me some true sense of divine things this day; but alas, how great
and pressing are the remains of indwelling corruption! I am now more
sensible than ever, that God alone is "the author and flnisher bf our faith,
" i.e. that the whole and every part of sanctification, and every good word,
work, or thought, found in me, is the effect of his power and grace; that
"without him I can do nothing, " in the strictest sense, and that, "he works
in us to will and to do of his own good pleasure, " and from no other
motive. Oh! how amazing it is that people can talk so much about men's power
and goodness, when if God did not hold us back every moment, we should be
devils incarnate! This my bitter experience, for several days last past, has
abundantly taught me concerning myself. 

Feb. 7. "My soul felt and tasted that the Lord is gracious; that he is the
supreme good, the only soul-satisfying happiness; that he is a complete,
sufficient, and almighty portion. The language of my heart was, "Whom have I
in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.
" Oh!, I feel that it is heaven to please him, and to be just what he would
have me to be! Oh! that my soul were "holy, as he is holy!" Oh! that it were
"pure, even as Christ is pure;" and "perfect, as my Father in heaven is
Perfect!" These I feel are the sweetest commands in God's book, comprising
all others. And shall I break them! must I break them! and I under the
necessity of it as long as I live in the world! Oh! my soul, woe, woe, is
me, that I am a sinner, who continually grieve and offend this blessed God,
infinite in goodness and grace! Oh! methinks if he would punish me for my
sins, it would not wound my heart so deep to offend him; but though I sin
continually, yet he continually repeats his kindness to me! Oh! methinks I
could bear any sufferings; but how can I bear to grieve and dishonor this
blessed God! How shall I yield ten thousand times more honor to him? What
shall I do to glorify and worship this best of things? Oh! that I could
consecrate myself, soul and body, to his service for ever! Oh! that I could
give up myself to him, so as never more to attempt to be my own, or to have
any will or affections that are not perfectly conformed to him! But, alas! I
find I cannot be thus entirely devoted to God; I cannot live, and not sin.
Oh! ye angels, do ye glorify Him incessantly; and if possible, prostrate
yourselves lower before the blessed King of heaven! I long to bear a part
with you; and, if it were possible, to help you. Oh! when we have done all
that we can, to all eternity, we shall not be able to offer the ten
thousandth part of the homage which the glorious God deserves! 

March 3. "In the morning, spent (I believe) an hour in prayer, with great
intenseness and freedom, and with the most soft and tender affection toward
all mankind. I longed that those who, I have reason to think, owe me ill
will, might be eternally happy. It seemed refreshing to think of meeting
them in heaven, how much soever they had injured me on earth: had no
disposition to insist upon any confession from them, in order to
reconciliation, and the exercise of love and kindness to them. Oh! it is an
emblem of heaven itself, to love all the world with a love of kindness,
forgiveness, and benevolence; to feel our souls sedate, mild, and meek; to
be void of all evil surmisings and suspicions, and scarce able to think evil
of any man upon any occasion; to find our hearts simple, open, and free, to
those that look upon us with a different eye! - Prayer was so sweet an
exercise to me, that I knew not how to cease, lest I should lose the spirit
of prayer. Felt no disposition to eat or drink, for the sake of the pleasure
ot it, but only to support my nature, and fit me for divine service. Could
not be content without a very particular mention of a great number of dear
friends at the throne of grace; as also the particular circumstances of
many, as far as they were known. 

March 10. "In the morning, felt exceeding dead to the world, and all its
enjoyments. I thought I was ready and willing to give up life and all its
comforts, as soon as called to it; and yet then had as much comfort of life
as almost ever I had. I longed to be perpetually and entirely crucified to
all things here below, by the cross of Christ. My soul was sweetly resigned
to God's disposal of me, in every regard; and I saw that nothing had
happened but what was best for me. I confided in God, that he would never
leave me, though I should "walk through the valley of the shadow of death. "
It was then my meat and drink to be holy, to live to the Lord, and die to
the Lord. And I thought that I then enjoyed such a heaven as far exceeded
the most sublime conceptions of an unregenerate soul; and even unspeakably
beyond what I myself could conceive of at another time. I did not wonder
that Peter said, "Lord, it is good to be here, " when thus refreshed with
divine glories. My soul was full of love and tenderness in the duty of
intercession; especially felt a most sweet affection to some precious godly
ministers, of my acquaintance. Prayed earnestly for dear Christians, and for
those I have reason to fear are my enemies; and could not have spoken a word
of bitterness, or entertained a bitter thought, against the vilest man
living. Had a sense of my own great unworthiness. My soul seemed to breathe
forth love and praise to God afresh, when I thought he would let his
children love and receive me as one of their brethren and fellow citizens.
When I thought of their treating me in that manner, I longed to lie at their
feet; and could think of no way to express the sincerity and simplicity of
my love and esteem of them, as being much better than myself. 

Lord's day, March 11. "My soul was in some measure strengthened in God, in
morning devotion; so that I was released from trembling fear and distress.
Preached to my people from the parable of the sower, Matt. 13, and enjoyed
some assistance both parts of the day, had some freedom, affection, and
fervency in addressing my poor people; longed that God should take hold of
their hearts, and make them spiritually alive. And indeed I had so much to
say to them, that I knew not how to leave off speaking." 

This was the last Sabbath in which he ever performed public service at
Kaunaumeek, and these the last sermons which he ever preached to the Indians
there. The methods he adopted for their salvation, he thus describes in a
letter to Rev. Mr. Penberton of New-York. "In my labors with them, in order
to "tum them from darkness to light, " I studied what was most plain and
easy, and best suited to their capacities; and endeavored to set before them
from time to time, as they were able to receive them, the most important and
necessary truths of Christianity; such as most immediately concerned their
speedy conversion to God, and such as I judged had the greatest tendency, as
means, to effect that glorious change in them. But especially I made it the
scope and drift of all my labors, to lead them into a thorough acquaintance
with these two things: (1.) The sinfulness and misery of the estate they
were naturally in; the evil of their hearts, the pollution of their natures;
the heavy guilt they were under, and their exposedness to everlasting
punishment; as also their utter inability to save themselves, either from
their sins, or from those miseries which are the just punishment of them;
and their unworthiness of any mercy at the hand of God, on account of any
thing they themselves could do to procure his favor, and consequently their
extreme need of Christ to save them. And, (2.) I frequently endeavored to
open to them the fullness, all-sufficiency, and freeness of that redemption
which the Son of God has wrought out by his obedience and sufferings, for
perishing sinners: how this provision he had made was suited to all their
wants; and how he called and invited them to accept of everlasting life
freely, notwithstanding all their sinfulness. 

"After I had been with the Indians several months, I composed sundry forms
of prayer, adapted to their circumstances and capacities; which, with the
help of my interpreter, I translated into the Indian language; and soon
learned to pronounce their words, so as to pray with them in their own
tongue. I also translated sundry psalms into their language, and soon after
we were able to sing in the worship of God. "When my people had gained some
acquaintance with many of the simplest truths of Christianity, so that they
were capable of receiving and understanding others, I gave them an
historical account of God's dealings with his ancient professing people, the
Jews; some of the rites and ceremonies they were obliged to observe, as
their sacrifices, &c.; and what these were designed to represent to them; as
also some of the surprising miracles God wrought for their salvation, while
they trusted in him; and sore punishments he sometimes brought upon them,
when they forsook and sinned against him. Afterward I proceeded to give them
a relation of the birth, life, miracles, sufferings, death, and resurrection
of Christ; as well as his ascension, and the wonderful effusion of the Holy
Spirit consequent thereupon. 

"And having thus endeavored to prepare the way by such a general account of
things, I next proceeded to read and expound to them the Gospel of St.
Matthew (at least the substance of it) in course, wherein they had a more
distinct and particular view of what they had had before some general
notion. These expositions I attended almost every evening, when there was
any considerable number of them at home; except when I was obliged to be
absent myself, in order to learn the Indian language with the Rev. Mr.
Sargeant. Besides these means of instruction, there was likewise an English
school constantly kept by my interpreter among the Indians; which I used
frequently to visit, in order to give the children and young people some
proper instructions, and serious exhortations suited to their age. 

"The degree of knowledge to which some of them attained was considerable.
Many of the truths of Christianity seemed fixed in their minds, especially
in some instances, so that they would speak to me of them, and ask such
questions about them as were necessary to render them more plain and clear
to their understandings. The children, also, and young people, who attended
the school, made considerable proficiency (at least some of them) in their
leaming; so that had they understood the English language well, they would
have been able to read somewhat readily in a psalter. "But that which was
most of all desirable, and gave me the greatest encouragement amidst many
difficulties and disconsolate hours, was, that the truths of God's word
seemed, at times, to be attended with some power upon the hearts and
consciences of the Indians. And especially this appeared evident in a few
individuals, who were awakened to some sense of their miserable estate by
nature, and appeared solicitous for deliverance from it. Several of them
came, of their own accord to discourse with me about their soul's concerns;
and some, with tears, inquired what they should do to be saved?" 

The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number and Brainerd having been
laboring among them about a year, and having prevailed upon them to be
willing to leave Kaunaumeek, and remove to Stockbridge, to live constantly
under Mr. Sargeant's ministry; he thought he might now do more service for
Christ among the Indians elsewhere: and therefore went to New-Jersey, and
laid the matter before the Commissioners; who met at Elizabeth-Town, on the
occasion, and determined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek, and go
to the Delaware Indians. By the invitations which Brainerd had lately
received, it appears, that it was not from necessity, or for want of
opportunities to settle in the ministry, that he determined to forsake all
the outward comforts, he might thus have enjoyed, to spend his life among
savages, and endure the difficulties and self-denials of an Indian mission.
He had, just as he was leaving Kaunameek, had an earnest invitation to a
settlement at East-Hampton, one of the pleasantest towns on Long-Island. The
people there were unanimous in their desires to have him for their pastor,
and for a long time continued in earnest pursuit of him, and were hardly
brought to relinquish their endeavors, and give up their hopes of obtaining
him. Besides this, he had an invitation to preach with reference to a
settlement in Millington, near his native town, and in the midst of his
friends. Nor did Brainerd choose the business of a missionary to the
Indians, rather than accept of those invitations, because he was
unacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which attended such a
service; for he had had experience of these difficulties in summer and
winter; having spent about a year in a lonely desert among these savages,
where he had gone through extreme hardships, and been the subject of a train
of outward and inward sorrows, which were now fresh in his mind. 

After this he continued two or three days in New-Jersey, very fli; and then
returned to New-York; and from thence into New-England; and went to his
native town of Haddam, where he arrived on Saturday, April 14. And he
continues still his bitter complaints of want of retirement. While he was in
New-York, he says this, "O it is not the pleasures of the world which can
comfort me! If God deny his presence, what are the pleasures of the city to
me? One hour of sweet retirement where God is, is better than the whole
world." 

April 17. - "In the evening, at my broiher's, singing hymns with friends, my
soul seemed to melt; and in prayer afterward, enjoyed the exercise of faith,
and was enabled to be fervent in spirit: found more of God's Presence than I
have done any time in my late wearisome journey. Eternity appeared very
near; my nature was very weak, and seemed ready to be dissolved; the sun
declining, and the shadows of the evening drawing on apace. Oh! I longed to
fill up the remaining moments all for God! Though my body was so feeble, and
wearied with preaching and much private confersation, yet I wanted to sit up
all night to do something for God. To God, the giver of these refreshments,
be glory for ever and ever. Amen. 

April 18. - "Was very weak, and enjoyed but little spiritual comfort. Was
exercised with one who cavilled against original sin. May the Lord open his
eyes to see the fountain of sin in himself!" After this he visited several
ministers in Connecticut; and then travelled towards Kaunaumeek, and came to
Mr. Sargeant's at Stockbridge, Thursday, April 26, having performed the
journey in a very weak state of body. 

April 27 and 28. - "Spent some time in visiting friends, and discoursing
with my people, (who were now moved down from their own place to Mr.
Sergeant's) and found them very glad to see me returned. Was exercised in my
mind with a sense of my own unworthiness. 

Lord's day, April 29. - "Preached for Mr. Sergeant both parts of the day,
from Rev. 14:14. Enjoyed some freedom in preaching though not much
spirituality. In the evening, my heart was in some measure lifted up in
thankfulness to God for any assistance. 

April 30. - "Rode to Kaunaumeek, but was extremely ill; did not enjoy the
comfort I hoped for in my own house. 

May 1. - "Having received new orders to go to a number of Indians on
Delaware river, in Pennsylvania, and my people here being mostly removed to
Mr. Sergeant's, I this day took all my clothes, books, &c. and disposed of
them, and set out for Delaware river; but made it my way to return to Mr.
Sergeant's, which I did this day, just a night. Rode several hours in the
rain through the howling wilderness, although I was so disordered in body,
that little or nothing but blood came from me. 

May 8. - "Travelled about forty-five miles to a place called Fishkffl; and
lodged there. Spent much of my time, while riding, in prayer that God would
go with me to the Delaware. My heart sometimes was ready to sink with the
thoughts of my work, and going alone in the wilderness, I knew not where;
but still it was comfortable to think that others of God's children had
'wandered about in dens and capes of the earth;' and Abraham, when he was
called to go forth, 'went out not knowing whither he went.'O that I might
follow after God!" The next day he went forward on his journey; crossed the
Hudson, and went to Goshen in the Highlands; and so traveled across the
woods, from the Hudson to the Delaware, about a hundred miles, through a
desolate and hideous country, above New-Jersey, where were very few
settlements; in which journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship. He
visited some Indians in the way, at a place called Miunissinks, and
discoursed with them concerning Christianity. Was considerably melancholy
and disconsolate, being alone in a strange wfldemess. On Saturday, May 12,
he came to a settlement of Irish and Dutch people, and proceeding about
twelve miles further arrived at Sakhauwotung, an Indian settlement within
the Forks of the Delaware. 

Lord's day, May 13. - "Rose early; felt very poorly after my long journey,
and after being wet and fatigued, Was very melancholy; have scarcely ever
seen such a gloomy morning in my life; there appeared to be no Sabbath; the
children were all at play; I, a stranger in the wilderness, and knew not
where to go; and all circumstances seemed to conspire to render my affairs
dark and discouraging. Was disappointed respecting an Interpreter, and heard
that the Indians were much scattered. Oh!, I mourned after the presence of
God, and seemed like a creature banished from his sight!, yet he was pleased
to support my sinking soul amidst all my sorrows; so that I never
entertained any thought of quitting my business among the poor Indians; but
was comforted to think that death would ere long set me free from these
distresses. Rode about three or four miles to the Irish people, where I
found some that appeared sober and concerned about religion. My heart then
began to be a little encouraged: went and preached first to the Irish and
then to the Indians; and in the evening was a little comforted: my soul
seemed to rest on God, and take courage. 

Lord's day, May 20. - "Preached twice to the poor Indians; and enjoyed some
freedom in speaking, while I attempted to remove their prejudices against
Christianity. My soul longed continually for assistance from above; for I
saw I had no strength sufficient for that work. Afterward preached to the
Irish people; was much assisted in the first prayer, and somewhat in the
sermon. Several persons seemed much concerned for their souls, with whom I
discoursed afterward with much freedom and some power. Blessed be God for
any assistance afforded to an unworthy wortn. Oh! that I could live to him! 

Lord's day, May 27. - "Visited my Indians in the morning, and attended upon
a funeral among them; was affected to see their heathenish practices. Oh!
that they might be 'turned from darkness to light!' Afterward got a
considerable number of them together, and preached to them; and observed
them very attentive. After this preached to the white people from Heb. 2:3.
'How shall we escape if we neglect so great salvation? Was enabled to speak
with some freedom and power: several people seemed much concerned for their
souls; especially one who had been educated a Roman Catholic. Blessed be the
Lord for any help. 

May 28. - "Set out from the Indians above the Forks of the Delaware, on a
journey toward Newark, in New-Jersey, according to my orders. Rode through
the wilderness; was much fatiguedwith the heat; lodged at a place called
Black River; was exceedingly tired and worn out. Lord's day, June 10. - "[At
Newark.] In the morning was much concerned how I should perform the work of
the day: and trembled at the thoughts of being left to myself. Enjoyed very
considerable assistance in all parts of the public service. Had an
opportunity again to attend on the ordinance of the Lord's Supper, and
through divine goodness was refreshed in it: my soul was full of love and
tenderness toward the children of God, and toward all men. At night I
enjoyed more spirituality and sweet desire of holiness, than I have felt for
some time: was afraid of every thought and every motion, lest thereby my
heart should be drawn away from God. Oh! that I might never leave the
blessed God! 'Lord, in thy presence is fulness ofjoy.'O the blessedness of
living to God! 

June 11. - "This day the Presbytery met at Newark, in order to my
ordination. Was very weak and disordered in body; yet endeavored to repose
my confidence in God. Spent most of the day alone; especially the forenoon.
At three in the afternoon preached my probation sermon from Acts, 26:17,18,
being a text given me for that purpose. Felt not well either in body or
mind: however, God carried me through comfortably. Afterwards passed an
examination before the Presbytery. Was much tired, and my mind burdened with
the greatness of that charge I was in the most solemn manner about to take
upon me: my mind was so pressed with the weight of the work incumbent upon
me, that I could not sleep this night, though very weary and in great need
of rest. 

June 12. - "Was this morning further examined respecting my
experimentalacquaintance with Christianity. At 1Oh! o'clock my ordination
was attended; the sermon preached by the Rev. Mr. Pemberton. At this time I
was affected with a sense of the important trust committed to me; yet was
composed and solemn without distraction; and I hope that then, as many times
before, I gave myself up to God, to be for him, and not for another. Oh!
that I might always be engaged in the service of God, and duly remember the
solemn charge I have received in the presence of God, angels, and men.
Amen." 

   _____  

CHAPTER 6. 

Labors for the Indians at and near the Forks of Delaware - idolatrous feast
and dance - journey through the wilderness to Opelholhaupung or the
Susquehanna - erects a cottage at Forks of the Delaware - some evidences of
a work of the Spirit among the Indians - journey to New-England to obtain
money to support a colleague - visit to the Indians on the Susquehanna -
journey to Crossweeksung in New-Jersey. 

June 13, 1744. - June 18, 1745. 

June 13, 1744. [At Elizabeth Town.] - "Spent considerable time in writing an
account of the Indian affairs, to be sent to Scotland; some, in conversation
with friends; but had not much spiritual enjoyment." On Tuesday, June 19, he
set out on his journey, and in three days reached his residence near the
Forks of Delaware. Performed the journey under much weakness of body, but
had comfort in his soul, from day to day. 

Lord's day, June 24. - "Extremely feeble; scarcely able to walk: however
visited my Indians, and took much pains to instruct them; labored with some
that were much disaffected toward Christianity. My mind was much burdened
with the weight and difficulty of my work. My whole dependence and hope of
success seemed to be on God; who alone I saw could make them willing to
receive instruction. My heart was much engaged in prayer, sending up silent
requests to God, even while I was speaking to them. Oh! that I could always
go in the strength of the Lord! 

June 25. - "Was somewhat better in health than of late; and was able to
spend a considerable part of the day in prayer and close study. Had more
freedom and fervency in prayer than usual of late; especially longed for the
presence of God in my work, and that the poor heathen might be converted.
And in evening prayer my faith and hope in God were much raised. To an eye
of reason every thing that respects the conversion of the Heathen is as dark
as midnight; and yet I cannot but hope in God for the accomplishment of
something glorious among them. My soul longed much for the advancement of
the Redeemer's kingdom on earth. Was very fearful lest I should admit some
vain thought, and so lose the sense I then had of divine things. Oh! for an
abiding heavenly temper! 

June 26. - "In the morning, my desires seemed to rise, and ascend up freely
to God. Was busy most of the day in translating prayers into the language of
the Delaware Indians; met with great difficulty, because my interpreter was
altogether unacquainted with the business. But though I was much discouraged
with the extreme difficulty of that work, yet God supported me; and
especially in the evening, gave me sweet refreshment. In prayer my soul was
enlarged, and my faith drawn into sensible exercise; was enabled to cry to
God for my poor Indians; and though the work of their conversion appeared
impossible with man, yet with God I saw all things were possible. My faith
was much strengthened, by observing the wonderful assistance God afforded
his servants Nehemiah and Ezra, in reforming his people and re-establishing
his ancient church. I was much assisted in prayer for my dear Christian
friends, and for others whom I apprehended to be Christless; but was more
especially concerned for the poor heathen, and those of my own charge; was
enabled to be instant in prayer for them; and hoped that God would bow the
heavens and come down for their salvation. It seemed to me that there could
be no impediment sufficient to obstruct that glorious work, seeing the
living God, as I strongly hoped, was engaged for it. I continued in a solemn
frame, lifting my heart to God for assistance and grace, that I might be
more mortified to this present world, that my whole soul might be taken up
continually in concern for the advancement of Christ's kingdom. 

Earnestly desired that God would purge me more, that I might be as a chosen
vessel to bear his name among the Heathen. 

June 28. - "Spent the morning in reading several parts of the holy
scripture, and in fervent prayer for my Indians, that God would set up his
kingdom among them, and bring them into his church. About nine I withdrew to
my usual place of retirement in the woods, and there again enjoyed some
assistance in prayer. My great concern was for the conversion of the heathen
to God; and the Lord helped me to plead with him for it. Toward noon rode up
to the Indians in order to preach to them; and while going my heart went up
to God in prayer for them; could freely tell God he knew that the cause in
which I was engaged was not mine; but that it was his own cause, and that it
would be for his own glory to convert the poor Indians: and blessed be God I
felt no desire of their conversion that I might receive honor from the world
as being the instrument of it. Had some freedom in speaking to the Indians. 

June 30. - "My soul was very solemn in reading God's word, especially the
ninth chapter of Daniel. I saw how God had called out his servants to
prayer, and made them wrestle with him, when he designed to bestow any great
mercy on his church. And, alas! I was ashamed of myself to think of my
dullness and inactivity when there seemed to be so much to do for the
upbuflding of Zion. Oh! how does Zion lie waste! I longed that the church of
God might be enlarged; was enabled to pray, I think, in faith; my soul
seemed sensibly to confide in God, and was enabled to wrestle with him.
Afterward walked abroad to a place of sweet retirement; eqioyed some
assistance in prayer, had a sense of my great need of divine help, and felt
my soul sensibly depend on God. Blessed be God, this has been a comfortable
week to me. 

Lord's day, July 1. - "After I came to them my mind was confused, and I felt
nothing sensibly of that sweet reliance on God with which my soul has been
comforted in days past. Spent the forenoon in this posture of mind, and
preached to the Indians without any heart. In the afternoon I felt still
barren when I began to preach, and for about half an hour: I seemed to
myself to know nothing, and to have nothing to say to the Indians; but soon
after I found in myself a spirit of love, and warmth, and power, to address
the poor Indians, and God helped me to plead with them, and to 'turn from
all the vanities of the heathen to the living God;' I am persuaded that the
Lord touched their consciences; for I never saw such attention raised in
them. When I came away from them, I spent the whole time I was riding to my
lodgings, three miles distant, in prayer and praise to God. After I had rode
more than two miles it came into my mind to dedicate myself to God again,
which I did with great solemnity and unspeakable satisfaction; especially
gave up myself to him renewedly in the work of the ministry. This I did by
divine grace, I hope, without any exception or reserve; not in the least
shrinking back from any difficulties that might attend this great and
blessed work. I seemed to be most free, cheerful, and full in this full
dedication of myself. My whole soul cried, 'Lord, to thee I dedicate myself!
Oh! accept of me, and let me be thine for ever. Lord, I desire nothing else;
I desire nothing more. Oh! come, come, Lord, accept a poor wonn. My heart
rejoiced in my particular work as a missionary; rejoiced in my necessity of
self-denial in many respects, and I still continued to give up myself to
God, and to implore mercy of him, praying incessantly every moment with
sweet fervency. My nature being very weak of late, and much spent, was not
considerably overcome: my fingers grew very feeble, and somewhat numb, so
that I could scarcely stretch them out straight, and when I lighted from my
horse could hardly walk; my joints seemed all to be loosed. But I felt
abundant strength in the inner man. Preached to the white people; God helped
me much, especially in prayer. Sundry of my poor Indians were so moved as to
come to meeting also, and one appeared much concerned. 

July 3. - "Was still very weak. This morning was enabled to pray under a
feeling sense of my need of help from God, and I trust had some faith in
exercise; and, blessed be God, was enabled to plead with him a considerable
time. Truly God is good to me. But my soul moumed, and was grieved at my
sinfulness and barrenness, and longed to be more engaged for God. Near nine,
withdrew again for prayer, and through divine goodness had the blessed
spirit of prayer; my soul loved the duty, and longed for God in it. Oh! it
is sweet to be the Lord's, to be sensibly devoted to him! What a blessed
portion is God! Spent most of the day in translating prayers into Indian. In
the evening was enabled again to wrestle with God in prayer with fervency.
Was enabled to maintain a self-diffident and watchful frame of spirit, and
was jealous, and afraid lest I should admit carelessness and
self-confidence. 

July 6. - "Awoke this morning in the fear of God, and spent my first waking
minutes in prayer for sanctification, that my soul may be washed from its
exceeding pollution and defilement. After I arose I spent some time in
reading God's word, and in prayer. I cried to God under a sense of my great
indigence. I am of late most of an concerned for ministerial qualifications,
and the conversion of the heathen. Last year I longed to be prepared for a
world of glory, and speedily to depart out of this world; but of late all my
concern almost is for the conversion of the heathen, and for that end I long
to live. But blessed be God I have less desire to live for any of the
pleasures of the world than I ever had. I long and love to be a pilgrim, and
want grace to imitate the life, labors and sufferings of St. Paul among the
heathen. And when I long for holiness now, it is not so much for myself as
formerly, but rather thereby I may become an 'able minister of the New
Testament,' especially to the heathen. 

July 7. - "Was very much disordered this morning, and my vigor all spend and
exhausted; but was affected and refreshed in reading the sweet story of
Elijah's translation, and enjoyed some affection and fervency in prayer;
longed much for ministerial gifts and graces, that I might do something in
the cause of God. Afterward was refreshed and invigorated while reading
Alleine's first Case of Conscience, &c. - was enabled then to pray with some
ador of soul - was afraid of carelessness and self-confidence, and longed
for holiness. 

Lord's day, July 8. - "Was Hi last night - not able to rest quietly. Had
some small degree of assistance in preaching to the Indians, and afterward
was enabled to preach to the white people with some power, especially in the
close of my discourse, from Jer. 3:23. 'Truly in vain is salvation hoped for
from the hills, '&c. The Lord also assisted me in some measure in the fn-st
prayer; blessed be his name. Near night, though very weary, was enabled to
read God's word with some sweet relish of it, and to pray with affection,
fervency, and I trust with faith; my soul was more sensibly dependent on God
than usual. Was watchful, tender, and jealous of my own heart. Lest I should
admit carelessness and vain thoughts, and grieve the blessed Spirit, so that
he should withdraw his sweet, kind, and tender influences. Longed to
'depart, and be with Christ,' more than at any time of late. My soul was
exceedingly united to the saints of ancient times, as well as those now
living; especially my soul melted for the society of Elijah and Elisha. Was
enabled to cry to God with a child-like spirit, and to continue instant in
prayer for some time. Was much enlarged in the sweet duty of intercession;
was enabled to remember great numbers of dear friends, and precious souls,
as well as Christ's ministers. Continued in this frame, afraid of every idle
thought, till I dropped asleep. 

July 21. - "This morning I was greatly oppressed with guilt and shame from a
sense of inward vileness and pollution. About nine withdrew to the woods for
prayer, but had not much comfort; I appeared to myself the vilest, meanest
creature upon earth, and could scarcely live with myself; so mean and vfle I
appeared, that I thought I should never be able to hold up my face in
heaven, if God, of his infinite grace, should bring me thither. Toward night
my burden respecting my work among the Indians began to increase much, and
was aggravated by hearing sundry things which looked very discouraging, in
particular that they intended to meet together the next day for an
idolatrous feast and dance. Then I began to be in anguish; I thought that I
must in conscience go and endeavor to break them up, yet know not how to
attempt such a thing. However, I withdrew for prayer, hoping for strength
from above. In prayer I was exceedingly enlarged, and my soul was as much
drawn out as I ever remember it to have been in